Camping 2010

Me. at rest. Despite the crack in my forehead, I am supremely happy in this photo! The main point of the trip was to be far away from the computer, and the phone, and not missing either at all. I spent 5 days camping by myself in the Grand Canyon...although to say I was "alone" would be a stretch. There were thousands of other people there visiting, most of whom left at the end of the day. The camp site was full each night, and most of my neighbors were considerate, good campers.

As in years past, there are always the ones who just don't cut it. The ones who really should have gone to Disneyland, or stayed at the hotel, or at the very least, rented an RV and stayed in Trailer Village. Case in point were the Cry Baby contingent south west of my site with Alex, Aaron and Lily, and the Poop Picker Uppers with Liam, Willow and Sierra to the North west. Both contingents had 3 small children under 9 I am guessing, PLUS a baby. Each morning one of the babies would wake in the dawn hours and wail for a solid 10 - 15 minutes. Once the babies were awake, of course the kids got up and the parents of BOTH camps, let their little evil doers run wild through the camp site.

Liam was very fond of finding and playing with deer scat, and his sisters had a habit of riding off on their bike bicycles causing mother much stress. She would stand in her camp site and BELLOW their names. I wanted to tell her that they weren't responding cuz they had RIDDEN OFF ON THE BIKES YOU BROUGHT FOR THEM TO RIDE ON, but I didn't see the point. Alex, of the Cry Baby camp across the street, was constantly bawling about some injustice or another. One time he tried to play with the Poop Pickers and they had apparently snubbed his friendly advances and wouldn't play with him. he has a god awful habit of trudging to the bathroom, NOT on the conveniently located path that went straight there, but insisted on taking a LONG cut through the middle of MY camp site. My evil eye stare did nothing to disabuse him of this habit. They all left on Saturday, and on Sunday morning, I actually slept until 7am - what a quiet morning that was! Even the bastard ravens were quiet for a change!

This is my 5th visit, and my 4th camping trip, to the Grand Canyon, and it simply does not fail to astound me EVERY time! The first visit was with my mother, brother and sister, back in 1980. We took this grand driving tour, from Denver, to Salt Lake City, Reno, San Francisco (where our father met up with us), down the California coast, to LA (where daddy left again), then over to Flagstaff, and a mofning drive through the Grand Canyon, the Painted Desert, Four Corners, and then back to Denver. In 2006, I came with the guy I was dating for the Star Party. We broke up shortly thereafter, but I enjoyed the Star Party so much, I got my aunt to come back with me in 2007 and 2008.

Last year, I would have come, but instead, spent the whole month in Hawaii. I was back this year, even though my aunt canceled her plans a mere week ago! I toyed with the idea of not going at all, but in the end, I am very glad I did. Tomorrow I will post something a little more reflective, as i did a lot of thinking and musing and pondering and even took some notes on scraps of paper, since I forgot my journal....

The photos are nothing that spectacular, I don't have the right camera or talent to capture all those colors you see in professional photographs, but to be quite honest, the light is SO bright, it is hard to really take an honest photograph! Even my memories of the view are bleached almost colorless. The sunsets this year were nothing too spectacular, unfortunately, but the star gazing was awesome!!...Oh, and the white dirty thing is a pancake with almonds, sunflower seeds, cranberries and raisins, and a few chocolate chips. I did flip it over to cook this side too and it was incredible!

The last three were manipulated with Microsoft Picture it just for fun.

random observation at the Canyon

As I was finishing up my lovely week of solo camping, I encountered a very sad family. I had just finished my 8 minute shower (2 minutes longer than it really needs to be...couldn't they charge 50 cents less, and save some water?), and felt all squeaky clean, ready to face the long drive back home. As I am sitting in my car letting my feet dry, listening to the wind in the trees, this mini van pulls up and what I easily guessed to be the dad was yelling at the others in the car. I could tell he had tried to say these things before but no one ever HEARD him.

Kid: [whine voice] Why are we stopping HERE? This isn't the Grand Canyon!

Dad: We are just parking here and we will hike up to the rim [Dad had made an error here...the better place to park is near the market or Shrine of Ages - both completely available, free parking areas, and CLOSE to where the shuttle buses pick up]. Don't forget your water bottles

Kid: [whine voice] I didn't bring one. How come you didn't tell us to bring one???

Dad: [defensive, "told you so" tone] I told you guys we were going camping!

Wife: [had just about enough of this car trip] You never told them to bring their water bottles

Dad: Of course I told them - I know I said we were going to camp! [ahh, but did he EXPLICITLY tell the little pecker heads to bring their water bottles, AND tell them why they would need them, and how thirsty they would be without them, and how expensive and environmentally unfriendly a plastic water bottle can be?? I think NOT]

He gets out and the wife slowly gets out, neither has on a hat, neither has a fanny pack, neither has spent 2 minutes putting on sun screen....but they have water bottles. As they walk off, the kids are dawdling.

Dad: [bellowing]: Come ON!! What are you guys doing??

Kid 1 runs after them, then Kid 2, neither with hats or water bottles, and Dad bleep bleep locks car. As they walk off toward the trail to the rim, I hear them all mildly bickering back and forth. Dad trying to be energetic and excited, mom sounding tired and ignored, and the kids just being little turds..."so where IS the Grand Canyon?" "this is stupid." etc.

I roll my eyes and think how sad to come all this way and just fight about everything, and THEN to park in such an inconvenient place simply 'cuz you didn't take 5 minutes to look at the map. I drove over to the camp site office and turned in my tag, and as I was driving out, I saw them all trudging back to the car, mom screaming at dad about how he should have KNOWN that was a bad idea, and dad trying to placate her and the whiney kids!

Feeling all full of good deeds and overflowing with love for the Canyon, I turn back into the Camper Service lot and pull into a space a few spots over. I decide to pretend I was going to throw away some trash, and walk by the van. Mom is now sitting behind the wheel and I walk up, she looks SO sad and miserable. Her pretty blue eyes full of tears. I asked if I could help them out at all. No, no, she insists they are fine. Dad has gone inside apparently to talk to someone. I said, I have been here a week and if you need any help or suggestions, I will be happy to help. She doesn't look at me and says again, they are fine.

So, I go throw away my "trash" and head back to my car. I noticed they had a camping tag for just one night. They are going to set up tents and ALL that, for ONE night, and they are already at each others throats....gawd.....

I know we were that ugly to my mother and father when we were kids. I know my parents yelled at each other like that on our trips through western Canada and Colorado, and I remember a doozy of a match in a blinding thunder storm in east Texas. The pictures here are a mix...one was up to Colorado in the summer of I think 1969, which I don't remember much at all; and the other in Canada I am guessing 1971- from Calgary, we went up into the Rocky Mountains, Banff, Lake Louise, and over through British Columbia, Vancouver, down to Puget Sound and Seattle. The memories I have of that trip are as foggy as the weather was, but I see the photos and HOPE my parents had more fun than this family was having!

By the time I was in high school, mom took us on those summer trips without dad - he was too busy with work to be gone for weeks on end, and I doubt we could have taken each other for that long anyway. One summer she took us to the Grand Canyon, and I still remember that trip. Just a few hours - we drove in, saw the view from a couple of the pull outs, then drove on again to the Painted Desert.

None of my frickin' business, I KNOW, but I wish I could have told that family to be kinder to each other; to cherish the memory of going to the Grand Canyon together....there are so many things I have said and done to my family that I wish I could take back...


(all photos except one, were taken by my father with the fancy SLR Canon camera he had just got...I have it now, and need to learn how to use it properly.....Mom took the other photo and it is the only one of him and us in the whole set)

Inadvertently

The swanky new design is not what I wanted. They "ought" to give you a preview option...and then the CHOICE to go back to what you originally had......but they don't...... oh well

wordless wednesday, well, only TWO words

me....Soon

Today's Random Chance Finds

OK, I thought the NEXT Blog was a completely and total random thing. That day when all I got were the religious blogs, I figured it was just some kind of message and decided I shouldn't mess with some random chance. Today, feeling all Captain Cookish, I ventured back into the unknown and courageously clicked NEXT BLOG.

Here is what I got for my curiousity, in the order in which they appeared:

Cognos Business Intelligence Centre

> Learn FileMaker The Fun Way!
> Oracle Business Intelligence Center
> Software Engineering
> Do It Yourself Agile (which I thought was a blog about stretching - there is actually software called AGILE)
> Yuren's Info Area (this programmer takes random screen shots of his computer language. Ex:

30	// prepare to save the canvas data

31	var persist = Components.classes["@mozilla.org/embedding/browser/nsWebBrowserPersist;1"]

Yeah, this is exciting huh? The next 10 blogs were in some kind of programming language, so I clicked on Irish Gumbo's blog for a dose of something comprehensible...and hoping this was a better starting place, clicked NEXT BLOG from there...ahhh much better......

Menagerie (with photos from the beach and more)
Wychstock (which is not about witches as I had hoped, but a family with a new baby)
Lugubrious Delights (some delightful receipes, click on it if you like)

Then we were into all sorts of family blogs and personal vanity pages, such as My Lovies, Seasonal Lust, PaperCut Screams and The Grease is Rising.....

OK...enough of THAT exploration. I am going to the Canyon now to do some real seaching....Peace

fly on the wall

My favorite way to while away the time when I lived in New York was to sit in the Starbucks at Astor Place and watch the human show. All the various acts and spectacles and the intermissions and dramas and interludes and entr'actes going on around me was so worth the price of a cup of coffee. On Friday nights, they had a thee piece combo come in - some little group offered swing dancing lessons, and then they cleared away some of the tables and chairs and there was dancing...It was really all I ever needed to stay amused, bemused, and enchanted on a Friday night.

Here in Tucson, there is none of that. Starbucks is a dull, cold place, rather hospital like, with only slightly better coffee, but at least now there is free wifi. Usually I sit quietly, doing my work, although one time someone took offense to something I apparently did/said/looked....

So here I am today, just sitting here, working on the Great American Novel my Facebook status. As I sit here minding my own business, I realize a new relationship is erupting at the table next to me!. Join me as I observe the mating rituals of middle aged single people.

Our victims are both in their late 30s, and this is obviously the quintessential "non-threatening coffee date to check each other out" before further commitment is required. She has some fruffy whipped cream drink and he is drinking water...One of them is all in, and one's apparently not convinced, according to the drink choices....She is a pert, lithe cutie, with her arched back and thin shapely arms set off by her spaghetti strapped, form fitting tank top, her manicured toes and fingers wiggling seductively. He is in rather ugly madras shorts and a casual, but clean chamois-looking (probably not, cuz it is 100 degrees here today) shirt and they both have on sandals. He has a very short conservative hair cut - I am guessing he works for Raytheon or is on assignment at the base - you can tell by the hair.

He's recently moved to town from San Diego, and he is shocked at how huge this place is, and no highway system. She has been here for years and is really disparaging of how things work in Tucson, which I agree with, but she is a little more negative than I am in public. They side step around political talk - oops, he called her a radical, no he actually meant liberal, he explains....

Then they move to interests - oh travel, I love to travel, she says. I really have no desire to leave the country, he says, slamming the door shut of THAT topic. She waxes poetic about her trip to Greece, and her little day trips here and there, and her cruise. Oh wait, he went on a cruise once - oh that perks her up! Where?? Oh the Mexican Riviera, with his parents, for an anniversary trip. Oh, a short cruise from San Diego, her shoulders slump a little.

Next subject is health. She has apparently recently lost weight, and can exercise better now - Hell, she is a frickin' twig, how could she NOT work out - if I was that thin, I could bench press MYSELF!!! Yoga does nothing for her she says, (oh, you naturally bendy twisty people all say that!), but she really loves kick boxing. Now that piques his interest and he throws a few jabs towards her, surely in jest, or was there something Freudian going on here?

"Sooo, I better get home," he says. They discuss a dance class - sounds like a mutual friend who she goes to this dance class with set them up. She invites him to come to the class next Tuesday. "If I am not there, call me," he says. He's not sure he can make the lesson - so much going on that day. They exchange a nice sideways hug, and he takes the opportunity to feel how much flesh she has around the middle. Nice, he says. "Oh, my abs have always been nice," she says, "it is here," patting her ass, "where the weight's come off." I can see him thinking, I'd like to see her naked, as they leave together....

Now there are two cops in here.....I doubt they will be as interesting.....It is days like this that I miss living in New York.

Summertime and the living is EASY?

This is me, just about a year ago, on my month off...I was in in Hawaii, and you can read about it starting HERE). I went alone to house sit and take care of a bird. I rented a car, got some books on the island and spent 3 1/2 weeks almost completely alone but profoundly happy. I think i cried twice, and once was only cuz my sun burn hurt so bad.

I look forward to my annual unemployment, not with trepidation or fear, like some might face an entire month without a paycheck. I even asked for this month off! So I work an 11 month contract. No, I am not independently wealthy, I don't have a sugar daddy and I don't have alot of money saved up for some lavish vacation. I live one of them simple lives you hear about. My car is 15 years old, I rent rather than own, I don't care for designer clothing, I don't drink much and don't smoke at all. Most importantly, I have no children or pets to feed and clothe and educate and entertain, and I certainly don't have a spouse to tell me what to spend money on, and more importantly, how to spend my free time. SO, yes, I am alone and even lonely sometimes, but the ultimate point is, I have no one telling me what to do or how to live my life.

I look forward to this month, like a child looks forward to Christmas morning. It is the ichor flowing in my veins that keeps me going the other 11 months of the year.....I work my ass off for other people, for low pay; and my reward is an entire month of poverty freedom!

This year, there is no Hawaii, as JP passed away. I decided not to go to France for the month, since my foot has been bothering me. So, months ago, my aunt and I decided to resume our annual trek to the Grand Canyon. We have done this several years to coincide with the annual star party and so with much anticipation, I have been looking forward to this, planning the rest of my month around this week long trip; I have been pulling out my camping equipment, making lists, thinking about what to cook, what to do and all the other details.

And I got a call yesterday from my aunt saying she can't come. Granted, the circumstances are completely beyond her control and I hope and pray that she will be OK - of course that is my number 1 concern........but there is still this teeny tiny piece of me that is SO incredibly disappointed and sad. I have been yearning for the peace and quiet and abstusity that I find there. Believe it or not, there are places and times when you have the canyon ALL to your self, especially if you are camping

I spent all day yesterday moping around (which means, my actual last day of work will now have to be Tuesday, since I didn't get everything done that I had promised my boss). I actually slept 10 hours last night (even though the sun pours into my through the skylight beginning at 530am), and feel somewhat better.

Maybe I will go anyway...and then continue my loop up into Utah...have tent, will travel. I got a flashlight AND batteries...and even a propane stove and an air mattress! Maybe my moping was just a momentary detour....but whatever it was, it, and the 10 hours of sleep helped me feel better. Yeah, I know, everyone has their problems, and most are much worse than the minor little whiney baby stuff that makes me sad, but I don't share EVERYTHING that is going on for obvious reasons, and there are other significant forces at work. And no, I would not like to trade you. But if you have a sleeping bag, and some good binoculars, and you like star gazing, there is room in the tent next week, if you want it...

get out there and just clean it up!

I have a heart, and I have been called a tree hugger by some, but here we are, a month after the disaster, and I just don't care to hear about whose FAULT the oil spill WAS. I am sick of hearing who fucked up, and what failed and who ought to pay and do we REALLY need to drag the government into this? AS IF they need something else to PAY for. Frankly, I am tired of hearing about all the destruction and loss of jobs and dead wildlife, and how horrible it all is.
Can't we PLEASE just get PAST all that PAST stuff? Can't we just get on to the job at hand and START CLEANING IT UP??? Can our media focus on clean up efforts, of which there are quite a few? Can we begin to look forward with optimism and American ingenuity, instead of wringing our hands, gazing at the past, in wistful desperation?

probably NOT, but that is what I wish.....

Wordless Wednesday - Sonoran Desert Spring

who says this place is nothing but dust, spiders and rattlesnakes?

is there a message here?

So, just in random boredom, I have been clicking the "next blog" link at the top, and I kid you not, every one of the subsequent blogs had "jesus" or "god" or "evangelical" or "ministry" in the title in some form. How did my blog wind up in the middle of all this??

* Conversations that Matter
* Life without God is Ridiculous
* Life is Beautiful with Jesus
* Auntie Joanna's Catholic Blg
* God Whispers
* ProtoEvangel
* In the Shadow of His Hand
* The musings of a Reformed Pastor
* Forest Murmurs (the musing of a parish priest)
* The Just Shall Live by Faith
and on and on!!

ahhh EF that, I am not clicking next blog anymore...I think I am supposed to be getting some message here and I am just not going to listen....sheeesh I am even nervous about writing Fu...uh.....K on my own blog now???

Nature is Human

When I moved to my new place 10 months ago, there was an abandoned bird nest in the kitchen window. The girl who owns the place just picked up the twigs and tossed them in the bushes, warning me that the doves liked it there, and I never thought about it again.

Over the last month or so, everytime I go out the front door, I'd notice a twig or two in the window. That wiley bird was trying to set up a nest, and while I love little birdies, I don't love little birdie shit, and I sure don't want it on my front patio, so I would toss the twigs in the bushes. One day, I noticed the bird had managed to get a nest going on the 2" thick beam above my patio (the clue was al the twigs on the GROUND underneath it. I am like, "why the hell is there a pile of sticks on the ground right HERE...oh"). Smart little pecker head, she must have known I couldn't reach it and so she won that round. Sadly, one morning on my way to the gym, there was a little bird egg, all splatted to hell. I thought, OK, that is nature, survival of the fittest and all that, but maybe now the dove knows, my patio is NOT a good place to bring children into the world.

I went to Evansville last week and was gone 4 days. I came home and not only was there a nest in the kitchen window, but there was an egg. Son of a bitch...Well, that's that, right? I can't move the nest NOW...there are children involved. The next day I come out and there is ANOTHER egg. Great, shit for everyone! I should start a compost pile, right? I gave in and would surreptitiously watch the dove sit on her nest from the dark kitchen...every time I opened the door, or course she flew off, but she always came back and sat on her babies.

Last week, I noticed she was never there - no flurry of feathers when I opened the door and even when I spied on the nest from the dark kitchen, there was no mama dove, but the eggs are still there, in tact. No wild life has eaten them!

Yesterday, I mentioned it to my neighbor, and she said, "Ohhh that explains why this crazy dove keeps walking back and forth for 10 minutes every hour or so on my kitchen window ledge...."

Stupid nature! The bird was on crack and forgot where she left her kids! You'd THINK as many times as I forced her to start over, she would remember where she put the damn nest...OR MAYBE this is just a case of deadbeat dad?? Perhaps mama made the nest, laid the eggs and then said, "Yo papa, I am off for a little va-kay, you do the egg squat for a while." And then she never told him where she dropped the kids off?

So, What am I supposed to do? Move the nest and her eggs next door? I think the eggs are dead now...more than 4 days and it gets cold here at night.....poor little birdies.....

Living off the desert

Remember these prickly pear fruit that I picked back in August? Well at the time, all i did was rinse the bugs and dirt off (hopefully) and then I bagged and froze them. They have taken up space, and prevented me from buying ice cream for 8 months. Every time i opened the door I was reminded I needed to find the right recipe...It all just seemed like SUCH a huge amount of work

So, one night, C decided he was gonna finally do his, which he hadn't even rinsed or frozen - they were just sitting in a pail...for 7 months and I thought they would be all moldy for SURE and crawling with ants, but they weren't! We wore thick gloves and while he cut them in half, I pressed the juice through a sieve...and his entire bucket of fruits made about 1 cup of juice.

All inspired, I went home and took a bag out of the freezer...and tried to cut them in half dear god, they were like little cement blocks, so I left them in the sieve to defrost over night The next morning I came to find them all thawed, and all deflated and mushy!! I didn't even have to cut them, just pressed with a wooden spoon and then my gloved hand in the sieve til i had all the juice...and my own baggy made about 4 cups of juice.

Then, since these ARE cacti, and the pricks are TINY, I poured the juice through a cheesecloth rag to get the last bits out and voila! As gorgeous in color as they were, I fully expected a sweet taste to the juice, but it was pretty bland. I wanted to make SOMETHING, but couldn't find any recipes that didn't require CUPS of sugar or alcohol, so I used it to make jello jigglers with knox gelatin, and instead of water, I used the juice. Isn't the color AMAZING?? Can you see why I would think it would TASTE sweet?

Since the juice taste was pretty blah, I also used one packet of sugar free strawberry jello to jazz it up a bit. It was delicious!! I wonder what natural sugar was in this. With the juice that was left, I broke down and boiled it with sugar and made some hard candy, which is actually really good, except it sticks to your teeth like a mutha, and i am worried it might rip a filling out!! I have two more bags of frozen prickly pear fruits in my freezer. I want to find a "gummy candy" recipe The ladies at sit and stitch thought the jello was pretty good, and i will bring the hard candy tonight...hope their dentures can take it.

Just call me Martha!!

Suppertime

I have been gone a long time.....not reading my favorite blogs, not writing on mine. I'd say I have writer's block but that would be a lie. I just have not sat down to DO it...haven't sat down to DO much of anything I guess. I really wonder if anyone reads this any more.....I still have 23 fans, but you never know, huh?

Anyway, just cuz I like to hear the sound of my own voice in the wilderness, I'll note that I have been away, and work has been relatively busy, AND I have been on a diet. Add all that up to mean my cupboards are pretty BARE. I don't want fruit cocktail, olives and soy sauce for dinner, but I DO have a sweet potato, some buttah. a little sugar and a whole bunch of cinnamon.....and some walnuts...ohhhhh....I know what I can do!
It's SUPPERTIME!!!

Beige

On the census (which I already filled in and sent back), it asks for your ethnic group. I am caucasian, not a drop of anything ethnic, and perhaps the color of my skin quantifies me as "white." However, I really don't feel so white, so processed sugar and flour, so plain... on the inside...usually I feel a little cinnamon, a dash of vanilla, a shake of red pepper and a handful of jalapenos...with some pineapple juice and strawberries sprinkled in.

Why don't they ask for the ethnic group your soul belongs to? Could they make up some interesting, encompassing categories that would blur the lines and stop dividing us?

Today I feel very beige and plain...and sad. The man I house sat for in Hawaii last summer, passed away on Monday - such a loss - such a smart, interesting man and I am sad for his family and loved ones. And Raffles, the myna bird who hacked my hand to bits....RIP JP

Health Care - perhaps no longer an Oxymoron in America?

Personally, I am thrilled about the vote last night...the bill still needs some tweaking, but the sea change that needs to come is one step closer to being able to happen...if the god damn partisan politicians would get off their high horses and work together.....anyway, I wrote the following to Hilary Clinton back when she was trying to spearhead reform almost 20 years ago.....

Health Care - A Contradiction of Terms

Oxymorons don't always translate. Phrases like "jumbo shrimp," "icy hot," and "young republican" are perplexing to people who don't really know our language. "Health care" is another good example of an oxymoron. Like "military intelligence," the two words are complete contradictions - opposites, in fact. They don't "care" in the "health" business, as it should be called. Insurance companies don't care, the government says it cares, but truly doesn't, and unless they're being directly affected, the general public doesn't care.

But most Americans don't have any choices when it comes to "health care." Sure, we have the option to avoid malaria-infested rain forests. It is our prerogative to stay away from India during Typhoid season, and no one really dies of the Bubonic plague anymore. We can choose to pay astronomical premiums; we can elect to stay in a dead-end job because of insurance. However, I don't remember being given the option to choose my health problems. It's not like a big Wal-mart: "Think I'll go pick me up a coupla them broken bones. And how about a serious case of mono. Throw in a couple side orders of assorted strep infections. Oh, and I love that measles look! Those spots will look super with my red silk jammies, and hey, why not splurge -it's only one life! Throw in one of those chronic illnesses. Nothing that'll kill me real quick, but something to last a life time - something expensive, but virtually invisible; something relatively painless, but something insurance companies will run from at great speed. And will you accept American Express with that order?"

God bless America. Home of the wealthy, land of the free, a nation of opportunity. America, one of the only countries in the world where you can legally have sex before you can have a drink. A country where government marching bands get more support than the National Endowment for the Arts and where trivial issues, like education and housing, get less funding that the defense budget. America: a country where the government thinks that a few randomly placed band-aids can heal serious wounds and cure disease.

Yes, I've been denied complete coverage, thanks to diabetes. I waited out the year "pre-existing clause," all the while praying nothing expensive would happen while I was insurance-less. Now that the year is up, I qualify for some coverage. I got an insulin pump. I see my doctor on a regular basis. I get my necessary tests done. And I consider myself undeniably fortunate, when compared to the millions who have no insurance. However, there is still a rider to my policy that says since I had laser treatments on my eye in the past, any claim relating to illness of the eye will be denied. Oh, if I step on a rake and poke my eyeball out, they'll cover the injury, but if I should get a sty, or glaucoma, or if a blood vessel in my retina should bleed as a result of having diabetes for 20 years (retinopathy)...forget it!

So here I am. 30 years old, in absolutely excellent health (ask my doctor), looking and feeling better than ever. To look at me, you'd never know there was a clot of blood almost totally obscuring the vision in my left eye. You may notice I have no depth perception, especially when I drive - you may notice I have more tension headaches from cloudy vision, but you won't see any problem, and before long, without proper treatment, neither will I. See, that is.

For even though I take meticulous care of myself, even though I test my own blood sugar 6 - 8 times a day, even though I watch every gram of carbohydrate, fat and protein that goes into my body - despite all these efforts, the damage is already done. It might not get worse, thanks to the new, improved (and I might add, government-approved), control. But, without additional treatment, it is likely that my eye will continue to bleed, which may someday cause my retina to detach. Then I'll really be in a bind...a 1/2 blind bind.

Of course, then I'll qualify for all kinds of government assistance - maybe even Medicaid, and I won't even have to get pregnant (yes, I was told that if I were pregnant, I would qualify for government assistance in my eye situation!) Hell, I'll even get the extra "blind" deduction on my income taxes for the rest of my miserable, dark life. Just think of all the tax payer’s dollars going to help the poor ½ blind diabetic with the pre-existing condition rider to her “health care” policy. Is this a great country or what? It really is ludicrous, when this whole disgusting scenario could’ve been avoided by simply providing medical assistance, “health care” if you will, to those who need it, rather than to those that can afford it.

I always felt so fortunate to be an American, but right now, if I were an illegal alien, rescued from a sinking rubber raft in the Caribbean, then I'd be all set!

For here in America, we help those poor unfortunates, those huddled masses, those political refugees, those who come to this great land in search of a new and better life. They are lucky. They probably don't know what an oxymoron is where they're from. I think the oxymoron is a truly American invention: "cruel kindness" "terribly nice" "health care." Those are some REAL American words.

It's a Dog's Life

I love me some puppy. I really do adore dogs...they are sweet and fun and silly and smart and such good companions and love you no matter what crazy thing you do. I come from dog "people" - everyone in my family has a dog, or dogS...there is currently Willie and Dippy and Zeus and Jazmine and Mylo and Jasper and Kricket and Sugar and L'il Bit and BoochyCoo, and until 2 weeks ago, there was Dottie...and of course there was dear little Chica. Growing up, there was Angel and John (my sister named that one....) and Blue and Leroy and Dolly and Pucci (pronounced "poochy") and Nugget and Bear and poor stupid Odie. And not one single person has a cat!!!!

What I can't fucking stand, pardon my french, is BARKING dogs. I moved from my last apartment complex cuz the neighbors let their dogs out on their patio and then they barked ALL the time - every morning I was awakened by the lovely sound of a baying HOUND who had been locked up in his crate for the day...at 5:45am. So, I moved up here to the foothills and have often commented how QUIET it is....how I just LOVE hearing the coyotes and listening to the birds in the morning. Well, it is 11:20pm for Christ's sake and the neighbor's dog has been barking for an hour!! And once he got started, the dog next door to him kicked in, and then the next one, and now there is this chorus of howls and moans and barks and yelps to wake the dead. Alto barks and tenor barks and the low rumbling bay of something large and furry. And when the fire trucks or cops go by off in the distance, the dogs whine in harmony!!!

WTF!? Do these people just put their dog outside and NOT hear them? I am over 100 feet away and I can hear them. This is wrong on SO many levels. What is WRONG with these people??? And it isn't an apartment complex - there is no office to call and complain to - it is a townhouse community. If I walk over there with a pellet gun, would anyone notice??

I actually am considering getting a dog...Mainly just to leave him outside to bark all night, but I have no one to take care of him when I go on the national tour. Wahhh...so much for my own unconditional love. Guess I will have to keep looking for it on line.

oh wait...there is a lull! It is quiet...maybe I will go try to sleep again?? Crap...they are back. That is what I get for doing spell check...

sunshine

sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
sunshine on the water looks so lovely
sunshine almost always makes me cry

that song makes me cry.....i love john denver. i wish i could paint the way he makes me feel. I used to sing this song sitting on the chair lift at Winter Park. Didn't give a dead rats ass who heard me OR what they thought.

Have you ever ridden the Looking glass chair lift at Winter Park? It is the shortest lift there, but it takes you to Butch's Breezeway and Vista Dome trail. From there you can see 360 degrees - the valleys the other mountains, Berthoud Tunnel, the highway, and if you are lucky, the blue blue blinding blue sky....inhale, feel your nose freeze together for a moment, then you exhale and it all melts again. It is hard to breathe, not just cuz of the altitude but also it is so breathtakingly beautiful. It is almost hard to tear yourself away from that perfect vision and hit the slope.

I remember skiing at Winter Park when I was a kid.....even in high school, I still passed for the 12 and under child's lift ticket - $12 sure was better than $16....I would give anything to have those days back.....I wish my blood sugar had been in better control, I am sure I would have had MUCH more fun if I wasn't always worried about peeing my pants.....

Here I am a couple years ago at a ski area in Arizona.....my skis used to be TALLER than me, and what ARE these fat wide things? what happened to my long sleek skis?? Man, times have changed....the lift ticket was like $40 too, and I KNOW Winter Park is LOTS more than that.

oh well....good memories....and as the sun streams through the blinds, I sing softly to myself.....

If I had a tale that I could tell you
I'd tell a tale sure to make you smile
if I had a wish, that I could wish for you
I'd make a wish for sunshine all the while.....

decompression

It is March, and I have that "air completely leaving my body" feeling I get every year around this time. I am back from the national tour. Perhaps it has something to do with not going up and down in the air so much? In 7 weeks, I flew Tucson - Houston - Newark - Chicago - Houston - San Francisco - Houston - LaGuardia - Houston - Tucson - Houston - Ft Lauderdale - Houston - Phoenix. I was upgraded to first class on 2 of those, and only got stranded in Houston (twice) and San Francisco for an extra night, so all in all, not a horrible travel experience!

So, now I am home, settling back into living in an actual home, with an actual bed, and not a suitcase. I have a place to cook meals and store food and do laundry. I have a closet of yarn that needs hooking and a car that needs washing, and plants that need replanting. I am back to the gym full force and have lost 5 pounds in the last 2 weeks....30 to go. It has been rainy and cold, and there is still snow up on Mt. Lemmon, but today is clear and bright - lovely day, but still coolish.

As in past years, I find myself nodding off in the armchair in the afternoons like a little old lady.....My head will start to droop, my hands will fall...and the TIVO remote will hit the tile floor, which jolts me awake. I move over to the futon couch and curl up under a blanket I made. I snuggle in for a little nap and then I feel guilty about not working enough. When I DO allow myself to fall asleep, it is fully and completely, and upon waking, I struggle to the surface of consciousness, my body still somewhere else, my hands and feet not quite working for a bit...

I tell myself I am "decompressing," but I really think it is some kind of a depression. I find myself at a loss. I feel lonely and useless and aimless without the 24/7 pressure of work. It is this time of year that i think about buying a house, getting a dog, joining e-harmony, and I cry a lot for no particular or solvable reason. This being ALONE after such being WITH so many people and having SO much to do...i feel like a giant balloon with all the air let out....all stretched out and used.... I miss my mommy and daddy and fear for my nephew and nieces, I am needy and wishy washy......

Oh, I'll get over it....Heading to Boston at the end of the month, and then Evansville in April, and the book festival is this weekend, and it is supposed to be 75 degrees next week, and my foot is almost better so maybe I can go hike in the canyon.....and life turns again.....the itchiness will subside, and the desire for a house will pass, and I will settle back down into my rut...as bumpy and pitted as it is..... welcome home....

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Misery

Every year, thanks to my job, I am dragged kicking and screaming from Tucson, my idyllic, secluded little haven, and I am thrust into the angry, wicked, dirty world, where my eyeballs are held open, like in A Clockwork Orange, and I am forced to remember that that life does, in fact, suck for lots of people

I am in San Francisco, possibly one of the saddest cities ever. What exactly makes it so sad? Certainly not the abundant and delicious food, or the shopping, or the wondrous sights or the friends and family who are here. Certainly not the 4-star hotel with executive lounge privileges and king size beds and welcome bottles of wine.....

The sad part is the utter misery in which so many people live. Every corner has someone with a hand out, a puppy, the armless guy in the wheelchair down by Fisherman's Wharf who points with his paintbrush held in his teeth, the saxophone player in Union Square, the sad pitiful creatures at market and powell and in every door way. Sure, I know there are plenty of resources available, soup kitchens and aid centers and all that - god knows I wouldn't know where to go if I lost all my money and friends, but apparently they are there.

I was riding the bus back from a friend's house yesterday, and this dirty woman snuck on through the back door. She was trying to move quickly so the driver wouldn't notice and she tripped over her wheelie cart as the bus lurched into motion, landing heavily on the seat across from me. I smiled at her and made some light silly comment about how the bus driver had no appreciation for her balletic, graceful stunt and she chuckled and smiled back. We exchanged a few other words...I noticed she had a badly healed broken nose and red scars on her face where she had either been beaten or maybe thrown into a wall or a bus or something. She was missing a couple of teeth, and she was very aware of her appearance. She picked at some hair and specks of dirt on her pants, she tried to clean her face with a napkin in her hand and reached up to fix her hair, that she had carefully parted and combed at some point...the pretty clip was falling out but she had obviously taken pains to try and look nice. She was wearing cute flip flops....the kind you'd wear on vacation in Miami...certainly not San Francisco, even in February.

She struggled with something in her cart and I offered to hold an empty cereal box for her as she was consolidating, and it took a lot of room. I told her I would be glad to throw it away for her later. Then, from the corner of my eye, I watched as she struggled to pull some kleenex from her pocket and then with shaking hands, she carefully opened an expensive high-end chocolate bar. She broke off a huge hunk in the kleenex and held it out to me. I said no thank you, I was allergic to nuts - and believe me it was NOT because I was too good for her dirty fingers touching my chocolate. I could NOT imagine taking one single morsel of that decadent, delicious treat from that poor soul! I wished I had 2 more in my pocket to give her!!

It was a LONG bus ride, but when she got off, we smiled at each other. She said "have a good day," and I said same to you...and she went off down Mission Street, hopefully towards someplace warm for the night....I stayed on the bus until the end of the line, sobbing for that lady and the life she leads. The mama and daddy who loved this little girl, this person who has no one in the world who can help her get to a doctor to fix her nose or give her a pair of socks and suitable shoes! She carries her life in a wheelie cart along Mission St. in San Francisco, and got off 2 blocks from Union Square, where Louis Vuitton and Prada and Cartier and Neimans and Saks rule

Why why why.....how can we live with such plenty when there are such sad cases in the world - sure there are lots of sick people, lots of drug addicts and sex offenders, but I just think that it we took better care of everyone, then we wouldn't have so much trouble in the world. If we took care of our OWN, it would make more sense to take care of everyone else in the world. If no one had to worry about having enough to eat or a place to sleep, then the suffering would be so much less....yeah yeah yeah I know.....I could give them everything I had and it would still not solve the problem, but I still cried myself to sleep last night in my big comfy bed with 5 feather pillows and 600 thread count cotton sheets.

I want to go home.

From NYC to Chicago....

man, i have been busy! I haven't had time to read any blogs in ages, nor have I had time to put anything thoughtful together for my own....but thought I would add some content, just keep it alive in case any one still reads it.

I was in New York for 2 weeks - a week of prep, followed by a week of auditions. My aunt C always comes, since she is a former SW airlines employee and can fly for free. This year, my niece came to town - she usually comes to help in Chicago, but this was her first time to NYC - she is 16.....a nice time to see NYC, don't you think?

I hope she had a good time...We did a lot of sight seeing, including a dash through Central Park, and a fair bit of shopping. We won the lottery to see Rock of Ages, which was fun! We had massages in China town, after dinner at Paesano's and dessert at Ferrara's bakery. I even got her to try falafel!! She was skeptical at first, but I think she might be a bit of a convert now :-)

at Bryant Parkat the Bethesda Angel Fountain in Central Park

JC and the Empire State Building AND the moon