Catching up - no that is not Ketchup on my shirt

Tuesday, I drove into Kailua-Kona and found a parking space like THAT (snapping fingers). I am glad this place is not full of tourists, but it is kinda sad to see how empty the shops and restaurants are. You can tell folks are hurting for business...i am not a good customer as I rarely buy anything....It was overcast but still hotter than heck!! I wandered all the shops. Up and down Ali'i drive, from the pier on down by the seawall where they start the Ironman, then on down past the Hulihe'e Palace and the first Christian Church - the Mokuaikaua church, which can be seen in this photo. It was forced upon the islanders by missionaries in 1820. I continued on down, to the farmers market, and then went by and through lots of shops and restaurants. Found Huggos, Jim, but they were closed and I didn't want to wait til they opened for lunch...another day...

On Wednesday, I went back to Hapuna Beach - it reallyy is a nice beach. I waded and swam and got my ass knocked over pretty good by a rogue wave. Then I walked the beach a couple of times..they say it is a 1/2 mile, but by my reckoning, it is closer to 1/3 of a mile....On the way back south, i drove through the Hilton Waikoloa resort area and stopped in some of the shops. I have a new favorite set of artists:: Stephen Shortridge, who actually was an actor at one time - he was in lots of commercials and on Welcome Back Kotter, but now he paints and if I had some thousands of dollars, I would outfit my home with his work...wish I had a picture of the painting I found. Here is a link to a painting that has a similar light, but the one at the gallery really had a fire. Should have gotten the name of the painting. The other one's name is Maya, and here is a link - this is definetely not my usual taste or style, but something in the tryptch I saw smacked me good. Back in Kona, I went to a starbucks so I could log on and use the nice reliable internet while drinking not bad, but definitely not Kona, coffee.

Thurday was June 11, King Kamehameha Day and it was a gorgeous, bright, sunny day. I thought the big parade was today, so I headed down to town and found a good parking spot...and then, no parade...nope. It is on Saturday. So I wandered down the seawall, and just as I was about to turn around and go find some breakfast, I saw some native looking folks in a proscession towards the pier...I followed, and they ended up at the Aheuna Heiau, where he died in 1818. The heiau (temple) was built in 800ad, and while I watched they made offerings and chanted prayers and did dances...it was very lightly attended by tourists and family of the participants, and I was really happy that I got to see it.., After the ceremony, I was starving and had heard about this place with great coffee and good cinnamon buns...Lava Java, so I walked down to it. Sadly by the time I got there, there were sold out of the buns, so I had eggs and toast and diet coke for breakfast. It was outstanding, sitting there, watching the waves POUND the lava rocks. There were a bunch of little birds waiting for crumbs. They were cute, to a point, but then they were just annoying as hell. I wonder if people once thought the pigeons in NYC were cute...these little bastards were mean! And were pooping with abandon on the people unfortunate enough not to have an umbrella. Maybe it is just by attitude towards birds right now in general, but I wanted to shoot them.

After breakfast, I headed back to Airport Beach, which I really do like. It was VERY warm and I found a tree to lie under and I fell asleep listening to the waves....I took this sunset photo on Monday, but I thought it was worthy.

sorry this isn't more poetic or creative...right now I am just trying to get the words on paper, as it were...I will try to make it pretty later...

Naked Babies

No, this is not a post about Kiddie Porn!! I was so tickled on Monday night when I went back to Old Airport Beach. A young couple, obviously kami'iana (local) based on dress, skin tone and attitude, had their little keiki (kid) out on the beach enjoying the soft evening before sunset. They were playing in the sand and before you knew it, the little boy, maybe 18 months old, had shucked off his own clothes and dashed into the tide pool...I have never seen a child so fearlessly jump into the moving, churning ocean. Granted, it was rather calm, but still the surge as the waves crashed outside the reef was pretty substantial. He was SO cute...and not a tan line in sight! I wanted to take a photo but I knew that would be weird, and I didn't want to freak them out....

I didn't feel as bad taking photos this cute puppy...he was having as much fun as the Keiki...he kept digging holes in the sand near the surf, then he would jump in it til it filled up with water, then he jumped out and dug another one!

As the sun began its final descent, the tenor on the beach changed. The kids stopped screaming and everyone kinda faced West. A guy with a guitar was serenading the end of the day, and as the sun touched the hills in the distance, he put his arms out and just stood there in admiration...It was beautiful, and fitting, and completely appropriate. A lovely end to a LOVELY day. Not bad for a Monday, eh?

Then I went home - man it is DARK up there - should have left a light on. When I finally got a lamp on, I was greeted by this monster....he is actually a little less than an inch, but gawd, he is ugly and He has set up permanent residence in the lamp by the counch....bleah....Come on geckos = quit singing and start eating!!

Yesterday was King Kamehameha Day, June 11. It is a public holiday here and I watched a ceremony down by the Pier...photos to come. The link goes to another blog with a lot of good information on it :-) Mahalo Bugs and Bunnies!

It is pouring down rain......how funny how you change in your life. As a kid I liked nothing better than playing in the rain, then in my teens and 20s, I hated getting wet...i still loathe driving in it, but after 7 years in the desert, I have really grown to appreciate this sound...this smell...wish I could photograph the smell for you..

Aloha

Briefly...

Do you realize I have not taken a tylenol in almost an entire week??? i LOVE relaxing! Who knew it could be a cure for chronic headaches!! (this was a comment I just left over at Middle Aged Dating, but I thought I would share, since it is awfully amazing.....)

To continue the tale, on Sunday, after I left Hapuna Beach, I headed north, through Hawi and Kapa'au, and went all the way around to the end of the road at Pololu Valley. What a difference in climate! In Kona, it is dry-ish and brown and lots of lava fields, but man, you get to the North tip and all of a sudden you are in rain forest! The ferns and flowers and trees! It turned very misty, and over-cast and then it was spitting a little rain by the time I got to the end of the road. The view was spectacular, but I think I will come back another day and maybe hike down. Thanks to the motorcyclists, I was able to make a 15 point U-turn to get my self back down. Damn mid size car!!


On the way back to Kona, I stopped at another beach that was all lava, but apparently has good snorkeling...there was some big family thing going on and I felt like I was intruding, so I left...but I COULD go back, since I am HERE for awhile, right??

Monday morning, I was greeted at the door by one of the supposed mosquito eaters, a lovely gecko. Judging by his size, I would say he had eaten a lot, but if you look at my legs, you will notice he missed quite a few. Can you be allergic to mosquitos? I mean, the welts I get from the bites are amazing.

That day, I went to the Old Airport Beach, which is, (do I really need to say it), at the Old Airport. It was deserted! I had only been there 10 minutes when a gorgeous tan young man asked me to put sun screen on his back...Now, I KNOW he was probably just checking to see if I had a camera or any expensive stuff worth stealing, or maybe he just likes old, pale, fat mainlanders, but whatEVER...I immensely enjoyed running my hands down his back and over his muscles...oh...my...sorrry. I will lick the drool off my chin. Other than that, I don't think I spoke to another soul.

I took my car back to the airport in the late afternoon (has a $10 a day weekend rate, that I couldn't quite get them to extend for the rest of the trip), and got a cute little red car - an aveo I think. I went back to the same beach and watched the sun set....and those photos have not yet been uploaded...so I will end for now....

I have to write about the guy with the guitar at sun set, and the naked baby :-)

Aloha!

Arrival

Upon arrival in Kona, I met JP, the guy whose house I am sitting....he had a white plumeria lei for me. It smelled divine....and what a sweet thing to do! As Jim says, you have to buy them now, but it is still a great idea. I got one when I came in High School in the early 80s...wonder if that was pre-arranged, or it was still the traditional thing to do?

We went to get my rental car, and then I followed JP up the not quite dormant, but currently sleeping (shhhh) Hualali volcano to his house overlooking Kailua-Kona. It is a lovely little house - all wood floors, and japanese touches, like the open garden in the middle of the house, and the sliding paper doors. My only issue is the number of mosquitos, roaches and ants.....he says the geckos and spiders take care of them, but not enough for my tastes.

Saturday morning, here is what waited for me for breakfast :-). JP took me on a little orientation tour of Kona, then I took him to the airport. His son is getting married on the mainland, and his paramour lives in CA too, so he is making a trip of it. I bummed around the house after he left getting acclimated, went to the grocery store and stocked up....milk and dairy products are definitely OFF my diet this month = a gallon of milk runs about $5!

Here is the reason JP gets a house-sitter: He is a myna, and his name is Raffles and he is quite a little bitch, and shits more than a bird that size ought. I think he is on strike cuz he doesn't like me - he has snapped at me a few times and caught me once. And I even fished a cockroach out of his dinner dish...ungrateful little canary!! JP says the geckos and spiders take care of them, but there are a lot of ants and roaches and mosquitos, and the geckos can't quite keep up....

On Sunday, I took KK's advice and headed to Hapuna Beach, which according to everyone and every book, is the best on the island, and some say best in the states...I don't know if I would go that far, but it was lovely and the water was perfect. I did toast my tootsies a little too much = of all my body parts, who knew my feet would be the most virgin?! I wear flip flops and sandles a lot at home, but nope, they are on fire now...owwwieee....there will definitely me no topless bathing for me!!

More to come.....stay tuned....

on the road

I didn't sleep last thursday night cuz i had too much to do...around 6am, the adrenaline really kicked in and I went full bore ALL day!! Thursday night, my boy (tee hee) came over and helped me with the last few things, and then helped me stay awake, in his own unique and delicious way. Then he drove me to the shuttle for Phoenix, where I realized I had forgotten my glucose sensor. I was flipped out, but he took my keys and said he would mail it to me. As the bus departs, he calls and says he is on his way to my house, and he will meet the bus at the last stop with the transmitter!! And he did! What a guy, eh? Arrived in Phoenix around 5 am, and the flight left almost on time at 745. Transferred in Salt Lake and LA. and I flew to Hawaii

Here is a photo of the Kohala coast as we flew over the north end of the island.....

More to come as I find time. Let's just say, I am sunburned and relaxed...and I have only been here 3 days!!

In, but not quite like Flynn

So I am all moved out of the old place, and man was there a LOT of dust when I left! Everything I own is now HERE, so to speak. Stuff is still piled to the rafters in the 2nd bedroom, and I need to get everything out of the garage so M & M can come clean it out AND I can put my car in for while I am gone..and I am leaving in less than 24 hours. The book cases are bare and all the candles and toys and books and nick nacks and bric a brac are still stored away and I rather like the sparseness.....

I haven't slept in over a day and scarily enough, it is starting to feel G.O.O.D!! I think I can go all day today, make out with my new boy tonight, and still manage the 3am shuttle to Phoenix. If ONLY I had a non stop flight...but noooooo I change in Salt Lake AND LA...but I do have a window seat to Kona.

So, since I haven't quite gotten my new camera yet, here are some pictures of my NEW place, with the other occupants stuff in it. You can get the gist, and then be shocked and appalled at our differing styles (or my obvious lack thereof) when I do get my camera (today!!) and take some pictures (today) and upload them (eventually). Note the Mexican tile throughout and the exquisite use of color. The tile around the fireplace and the kitchen backsplash are gorgeous, and she left the big mirror over the couch which is pretty cool. This tile is killing my poor feet though!

I am not packed, but if I wait another 2 hours before logging off, I can print my boarding passes!! wah hooooo!! oh look! the sun is coming up!

Mostly done...not quite All done, but the end is near

The truck came on Saturday. I took a valium and put on my headphones as they started moving my bed and dresser and piano down the stairs and out, oh, and the glass cabinet and antique writing desk. I almost fainted when one of the guys lifted my granny's sewing machine over his head. He put it down when something flew out and conked him in the back of his head...i suggested two people take it down, level...So it is all outta here, and over there. I am over here still with the laptop, and the internet and a few odds and ends that need to go over. The phone will be switched over on Wednesday, so til then, I hafta sit here to work......but as I was driving over this morning, I noticed something odd.

I was humming.

I was content, with a smile on my face, as I drove the windy road through the foothills to get here. Dare I say I felt HAPPY???

Currently washing my duvet cover and waiting for the office to reopen so I can go get some photocopies done. I will miss the free photo copying. I do a lot of that for work...oh welll

The last two nights in my new place have been great. So quiet, and so dark, it is almost scary. I have a list of things I need from Home Depot...and Home Goods...first of all I need some area rugs as these mexican tiles are HARD on the poor feet!!! all in good time, my pet, all in good time.

More later!

Change is good

Perhaps one of the reasons I feel so unsettled in my life right now is cuz of the very nature of the life I am leading, or rather which is leading me! Not only am I physically moving to a new place, after being here for 7 years (which is a record for me - longest time in one home OR in one city!), but I am changing my relationship status from single, to single with a potential friend, but I am not quite sure about him yet, or if he is going to get the benefits...and my job is supposed to be on "hiatus" for the next month, (meaning NO paycheck), but I still have 2 unfinished reports and a hotel contract to negotiate...Plus my nephew is graduating from high school this weekend. My mom and my brother and his wife and their daughter are up there with the Sometimes Wicked Witch of Michigan (SWWM) and there is a big party tomorrow night, I ought to be there, but I have this truck coming tomorrow, see, and a plane ticket to use next Friday, and the internet won't be hooked up at the new place til Wednesday, and I would really rather it be sterile clean when I move in all my stuff, but it probably won't be, and I am a bit of a control freak and a germophobe, and then I went to the dentist yesterday and will probably need a crown sooner than later, and the price for those suckers has doubled in the last 6 years since my last one, and I still need to pay for my rental car in Hawaii, and find a place to spend my birthday on Oahu, and should I bother to clean my apartment when I move out, or just leave it - I mean, I didn't have to pay a security deposit, but I hate the idea of them coming in and seeing the dust I left behind. I live in a very dusty place. Maybe I ought to get a HEPA filter - might wake up without sneezing 40 times each morning...oh shoot, and I still need to get a ticket to NYC for August, for a conference, but my boss said he was getting rid of his couch, which is where I sleep, so NOW what do I do????? And I need a new camera before I leave in 6 days, and I need to send my niece something for her 16th birthday and of course something to the graduating nephew

breathe in....exhale......

I will miss this apartment, really. There have been some great managers and great neighbors, and some horrible managers and horrible neighbors...I definitely won't miss being woken up by the 4 year old next door EVERY friggin' day when he leaves with his dad to go to school at 6 frigging 30 in the morning! Being upstairs is awesome - i get some breeze, I can leave the windows and patio door open at night when it's nice, no one can see in when they walk by...Now I will be on the ground floor, and while I will have bars on the windows, I won't be able to leave them open like I do now....critters can get in, like scorpions and tarantulas and bobcats and other multi legged things.

Change is good, I have been known to say on a pretty regular basis. I agree that change is good, and often necessary, but this upheaval in my life doesn't feel like mere change, it is an avalanche of paper and a physical earthquake and a tsunami of tears, an emotional recession, a mental and a financial meltdown.

As they say, this too will pass...and that which does not kill you makes you stronger.....sigh...anyone wanna arm wrassle??

breathe in...................................................................... and exhale....don't forget that last part....

Life coaching, anyone??

I need a life coach. I am going through that mid-life crisis I have heard so much about and I think I have been for a while, but I have been too stupid to realize it. I think the reason I could basically care less if this thing with, shall we call him "Pig Pen," works or not is cuz I have never aspired to ANYTHING!! Seriously!! Like, a real relationship just isn't that high on my NEEDS list...just really a "wish." Like "I wish I was thinner" or I wish people would be nicer to old people." Those impossible things we ALL wish for, but never really DO anything to change. Like I kinda expect "it" (a relationship) will just happen, 'cuz I wished hard enough, without working at it. I am so "busy" with everything else in my life, who has time to look for a real one...and of course, that way, I manage to avoid the inevitable rejection too.

I guess I am SO afraid of what I KNOW is possible - I see it all around...the arguments my friends have with their husbands, my sister griping about hers, my parents simple, pure meanness to each other, what my friend JD's wife did to him, people up and dying on you in the middle of what you thought was forever....shoot, I'd rather be alone. If it was JUST sex, I guess I could go get me some, if i really wanted it. There are a lot of horny guys out there who wouldn't mind my fat ass or my neurotic need for clean teeth and hands. I guess it has just never been that important to me.

My life, (other than the FUCKING Diabetes, or course) has been a piece of cake! My fabulous jobs have actually ALL just fallen into my lap. Just about every opportunity or good thing I have ever had, just CAME to me with hardly ANY effort. My career in theatre has significant amounts of rejection associated with it, yet, I have rarely felt it - something better or "as good" has always come along. I don't get cast in one play, but I get a better role in something else; I don't get selected to direct one project, but another one that actually pays MONEY crops up.

I have been incredibly lucky...but I simply have NOT had the opportunity to learn some vital life sustaing skills, have I? "They" always say you have to be "hungry enough" then you will go out and really pursue something, and I have always been....."ehhhhhhh, I am fine." I have never aspired to more...and I am a smart, talented, shrewd, gifted person, (and I am not just saying that because this is my blog and I can say whatever I want...I really AM!!). God, now I feel like such a loser...what could I have done with my life, with my talents, with my education, with my precious fucking TIME, if i had just tried. Just put forth a modest amount of fucking EFFORT. If I had worked a little harder of some of those golden opportunities and turned them into life changers. I know I have wasted my sexual prime, but my whole life??

WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I have won awards and prizes and kudos and gratitude and all that, for just putting forth miniscule amounts of energy. What, what what!!! WHAT could I have done if I had TRIED.

god dammit

I am closer to 60 than I am 30.....I am on the slope to the end, grasping with my shredded fingernails as the incline gets steeper and steeper, rolling me towards the abysss.......

i'm a lazy bum

I stole this from my former locker partner, and the girl who called my mom when I wrecked my car, Gracie Lucy....

You are supposed to copy and paste this list into your own blog and bold the items that you have done. You don't have to...and I may not make it to the end of the list, but I feel ridiculous having a blog and Not using it...

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band (does slept with a guy in a band count?)
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world (BOTH!!)
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Gotten flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone

OK I DID IT... if you do it, put a comment here so I can go read your list!!

memorial day

Been a slacker, but it is cuz I am moving to a new apartment mostly, but also cuz I have been seeing a guy, can you believe that? And he isn't even an imaginary guy..... I need to catch up on everyone's blog!!

anyway, just a moment to remember those who have died to protect this country and for those who have fought to insure we have the freedom and liberty so many of us seem to take for granted.
As Benjamin Franklin wrote in 1775: "they who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety."

blog HER

Hey I just found out about this conference. I will be in Chicago at the time it is happening, though for something completely different......if any of my stalkers or readers are going to be there, let me know! That might be kinda fun!!

Lessons the Rocket Scientist Taught Me

Inspired by Charmaine, over at Middle Aged Dating, I thought I'd share some deep personal stuff with ya. We are coming up on the 3 year anniversary of the last time I had any whoopee. Not that I wear that badge with honor or pride or shame...it is just a fact. I was late to the party in the first place, and there have been some long, cold, lonely stretches in the intervening years. There were some short bursts of activity, where I discovered actually HAVING a man doesn't necessarily mean it is any less cold or lonely. All in all, I have dated some extraordinary men, world travelers, musicians, artists, deck hands, teachers, photographers, lawyers...

When the Rocket Scientist dumped me, (on the phone), back in 'Aught Six I wallowed in my pajamas for 3 days (hey, wait, I am STILL in my pajamas). I wasn't ready to say I hated men, and I certainly wasn't ready to try a woman, (and I still am not, despite that three year mark) but I realized, I had really let my wall down to him, finally opened up on a LOT of subjects to a real person, and I was severely wounded. So in that mood, I wrote a little essay entitled:

Lessons the Rocket Scientist Taught Me

1) When sussing out a new dating prospect, my first question should not be, "so what do you do for fun?". It should be, "do you have cats and do you spend more than an hour a day playing video games?" Followed up by, "if I came over to your house in slightly risque attire, would you follow up on my advances, or would you want to watch a japanese samauri movie with subtitles while we sat on your cat hair covered couch?"

2) I must remember to bite my tongue hard when I had any kind of an opinion or suggestion about ANY thing cuz I am always wrong or misguided and someone has ALWAYS had a better/quicker/easier experience than me.

3) I must never ever believe things a man says in the throes of passion. I must remember that romance and kindness and gentleness at first are NO indication that that is how a person is going to be a few months later.

4) Some men are too set in their ways (OR as my dad says, "OBLIVIOUS TO THE FACT THAT THEY ARE UNCONSCIOUS") to ever allow someone into their lives. They are not capable of change, none of us are, really, but they are not even welcome to the idea of merging lifestyles with someone else...so don't bother. If he won't wipe the cat prints off the kitchen counter, don't expect him to keep the couch clean. I am the one who has to change.....and by change, I mean, don't wear black to his house cuz you WILL get cat hair on your clothes.

5) If the guy dislikes ALL of his ex-girlfriends and his ex-wife, and can't say a kind word about any woman he has ever dated, there might be something ELSE you need to know....

6) Don't introduce him to a less than perfect family. The tittie dancers, unwed mothers, ex cons, drug addicts and spoiled brats will stand out more than the doctors, cops, judges, military, teachers, sweet neices and aunts, not to mention all the amazing artists. (Yes I introduced him to my whole family - even my grandma).

7) Don't be fooled! Just cuz a guy can form an attachment to his pet doesn't necessarily mean he can form one with a live person. (Bonding with a computer game avatar does NOT count as an attachment on any level).

8) If he makes you FEEL loved and wanted and desired and that there is a connection on a deeper level, then you might want to check your own self esteem.

9) "Intimacy" doesn't mean what you have always thought it meant - a deep closeness, on ALL levels, but rather, it is something that is ONLY physical, quick and only truly enjoyed by one person. Talking and open communication are not required despite what all those books say.

10) When you are staring at the ceiling, in shock, unable to feel anything, know that later on, he will find solace in a computer game and with his cats, cats, who are more important to him than anyone...cats who will never hurt or disappoint him, who never ask him for anything except food and water, and who will never love him like a real person. He won't be hurting like you, so don't worry about him and just stare at the ceiling.

11) You will certainly grow as a person after time with a Rocket Scientist. I gained 10 pounds thanks to the Pill and the allergy medicine and the sleep aids I took, AND due to the fact that he screwed his nose up at the idea of salad for dinner, or a snack of hummus and rice cakes, soy milk in his macaroni and cheese, and the other more healthy foods I usually try to eat in favor of bloody steak. He hated the idea of "exercise" - the times I took the dog for a walk in the morning, he reluctantly went along....and no way was I going to get him to hike at the grand canyon!!!

The essay goes on, but you get the idea...I called him a few days after he broke up with me, and calmly asked him if we could talk about this. "What is the point," he spat (I could hear his video game in the background). "Your allergies to my pets are not going to go away and this relationship has gotten way out of balance." A moment of silence (on my end...he was typing away) then I said good luck with the launch (a real rocket, for work), and good bye and he hung up before I could even push the off button.

Not that I wallow any more about this - I am so very truly over him, but I wondered how soon after we broke up that he wiped off the dry erase board in the kitchen that had all my little notes on it for him. Did he throw out my really nice bath products that I left over there, or did he use them with someone else? I certainly miss the awesome bathtub.

Looking back with 20/20 hindsight, the little tiffs we had WERE root problems. He made me feel like I was stupid several times, and he was just incapable of having a discussion with anyone- it turned into a mind-numbing soliloqy almost every time (kinda like my writing - but you can always stop reading and go on to the next blog anytime. Can you imagine if I was sitting here TALKING to you like this...gawd, I'D want to kill me too!)

It would be in accurate to say he broke my heart 'cuz I don't think he ever had it, but at the time, he made be feel absolutely worthless and wasted and unlovable. As I tell K, I am moody and irrational, and I AM vulnerable and emotional and I don't have a lot of relationship armour in place. At first, it was easy to let him in, let it happen, go with the flow....be chill. And he drew me in, sucked me up into his life deeper and deeper, so that I could almost forget the incompatibilities...and then spit me out like a watermelon seed, and sent me skittering across the floor. I know now that it is HIS loss.....

So yes, the experience is "in my pocket," I was hurt and sad and I learned some things, and not just the things I joke about here, but important things about men and relationships and about what I need and want from another person, and not just in a selfish way. At the time, I looked over the notes I'd written to myself or in my journal about the other semi-relationships of the last 25 years, and hopefully I will do better next time......and maybe I will even get laid!!!

call me yo-yo MA

remember my camera that was lost, then found, then STOLEN???? I just got a call from Lori at the county fairgrounds...they are sending me a check to replace my camera (and the card)! I never did write my gripe letter to the fair commisioner - I had chalked it up to my being stupid and careless and figured I'd just get a new phone that has a camera and solve 2 problems at once. And NOW, I will be getting a check on Friday for the cost to replace it with a similar model (since they don't make mine anymore)

I am back to being Anne Frank...in spite of everything, I still think people are good at heart...except the rat bastard who stole it from the office...other then him or her, they are all good..ok, and except for ted bundy and hitler. they both are evil fuckers...and bush....eww...he is not good, although TECHNICALLY, i am sure he is a very nice person, not that I would want to drink a beer with him or anything, but I know he isn't inherently evil, like Saddam Hussein or something.

But anyway, I will put whatever they send me in with a few more dollars and get a little bit nicer camera. I am really glad I hadn't already replaced it!!

And what this means is YOU will get to see pictures of hawaii on a regular basis - aren't you happy!?!??!?!

Sorry I have been so quiet...i have been lurking around many of my favorite blogs, but work and life and stuff are just majorly crazy.......thanks for sticking around!

Leavin' on a Jet Plane....

well, not yet, but soon.....I have missed writing here...I think I am mainly just pissed about my camera...but I have plenty of posts without photos, so that is just a real cop out, and my life is much more fascinating and riveting than any little photo could reveal...I guess, unless Ryan at Pacing the Panic Room was taking them...THEN i might need to "step up" my life to equal the vitality he brings to his photography...

So much has been happening lately...work is a mere side note, I am sad to say. I have been working out and walking just to be outside...Spring is the best time here, and already we are expecting 100 degrees this week.....and it will be like this until October, so I need to cram my canyon walks in now...and earlier and earlier...we went at 730 on Sunday and by 815, it was just too hot to go any more (though we still had to walk BACK).

I also went on a date, sorta....Met a guy on line, yada yada, exchanged emails and phone calls a while and then I just forgot to write him back one time and next thing I know a month has gone by. He wrote me last week and asked what happened, and I truly did forget and so we planned to just get it over with and met on Friday...he was cute and nice and funny...not overly employed in the sense that I was not sure he HAD steady income, and he had three cats, which as you may recall, can be a deal breaker. He seemed interested in seeing me again, but I haven't really heard from him, so I guess I can take that off the list..

Anyway, I do digress from the title...I am going to House sit in KONA, HI in June. Three weeks in Hawaii. I better get a new camera for this, huh?? I am so excited. The flight was not too bad, but it is the rental car that is gonna kill me. This house is 4 miles up hill from the nearest grocery store, and even more from the beach, so a car will be necessary, I suppose.....sigh...Oh well.

So, any tips for Kona?? anyone want to come with me? free place to stay in exchange from some significant help with the car rental..

Sunday musings

So if you could be anywhere right now, where would you be...money is not an issue, nor is child care or a place to stay or how much it costs to get to the airport?

Me, I would be sitting on a rock on top of a mountain somewhere. I have so much to do, and so much is DUE, and I am behind with work and rehearsal and another audition was yesterday and what the HELL do I do with all this paper I just made and I am moving in 6 weeks, and yet, I would like to go sit on a rock. Just be alone and feel the sun on my face and the wind at my back. It has been a while since I felt that peace....

I took all of these photos, of my self in places I have really loved to be. The first is on the rim on the Canyon in Canyonlands, UT, overlooking the Green River. A few minutes later I found a desolate rock overhang, where I just sat for an hour and listened to.....NOTHING...not a sound other than insects and wind. It was breathtaking. The second photo is me near Dillon Colorado - in fact, I think that might be Lake Dillon in the back. And this last one is me at the base of the Marroon Bells, near Aspen, CO after about a 2 hour hike from where the bus drops you off. I sure love my camera that was STOLEN, that could take pictures without me holding it...I sure wish I had it back..... The last one, my aunt took of me at the Grand Canyon last summer...very nice thinking place.

and so, where would you be??

Anne Frank was wrong

"In spite of everything, I still think people are good at heart, " so says Anne in her world-reknown diary. And I have always tried to see the positive, the potential for good in people....it is really hard to get rid of me once I am in your life as I have difficulty letting go, even when I know the deep, dark, rotting core...there is STILL something good and lovable about everyone... or so I thought.

I took my camera to the fair last week and I took photos of the paper-making I was demonstrating - to share with YOU guys....As I wandered around the midway during a break, I apparently set my camera down and didn't pick it up again, cuz 3 minutes later, I realized it was gone...idiot. So I ran back to where I had been sitting, but naturally it was gone. I went to the lost and found in the main office, but NATURALLY it had not been turned in - I was at the county fair for god's sake, and you know what kinds of people go THERE...the kinds that eat FRIED dough and deep fried Moon Pies (OK, and yes, people just like me who don't eat that crap, but I was not feeling that generous at the time). I filled out a lost item report, and just accepted that the camera was gone. THEN the next morning, I got a call from the woman I had made the report with, Sherry...someone had found it! Sherry turned the camera on and verified the photos, and I was all excited. Since I was demo'ing again this week, I asked if they could keep it 'til I got out on Thursday...SURE she says. People are AWESOME, or so I proclaimed in my Face book status....

So, I showed up at the fair yesterday, all happy and smiley and renewed about humanity in general...and went to the office...where they had no FUCKING idea where the camera was! Yes, Sherry remembered talking to me, remembered having the camera and seeing the photos, remembered putting it in the bin with the other lost and found objects, but couldn't explain where it was. She checked with the other people who worked in the office, but no one even remembered seeing it, let alone giving it to anyone else.

I was relatively calm, given the situation and my normal tendencies to overreact and blow things out of proportion. My seemingly logical question was, IF no one can get in the office other than her and her co -workers, and IF no one can get behind her desk but her and her co-workers, and IF my camera WAS there and NOW it isn't, wouldn't it be safe for me to ASSUME that one of those three people either had stolen my camera or knew who did? I think that is a reasonable and logical assumption. At the VERY least, I think Sherry needs to accept responsibility for my STOLEN property! Am I wrong to think the fair should replace my camera! Lost, that is MY fault and I am an idiot and I accept that responsibilty. Found, turned in, safe, kept in a locked office and still stolen?? that is some one ELSE's responsibility. Sherry could have told me, when she called, that she couldn't accept the responsibility of keeping it til Thursday, and I would have driven the 40 miles in rush hour traffic to get it! But no, she said, fine, we will keep it for you. A Pima County sherrif was in the room, the whole time and I thought, well, he could help, but he just shrugged his shoulders and said, there wasn't anything I could do. All he did was be the authority presence I needed not to choke the living SHIT out of Sherry.

I insisted on filing a stolen property report, and I got me a fancy report number, but what else can I do! I don't even want the damn camera... just give me the memory card and the photos....I am the kind of person if I find a wallet or a piece of property, I turn it in, and HOPE whoever I turn it into will contact the owner....How can someone STEAL a camera? What if there were baby pictures or wedding pictures or something like that on? Don't people have a conscience? Shut up, I know, my expectations are unrealistic...but this is my blog and I can be as hopeful and positive about how humanity OUGHT to fucking be as I want...right now, humanity sucks and we all deserve ALL the pain and suffering we get.

Fuck

Here are some pictures from LAST year's event, when I had a camera, and when there were some actual kids who were interested in what I was doing. This year the hall was dead quiet and the only people who came by were the other people demo'ing in the hall and the people who were hiding from the heat outside.

You know how I was saying I am gonna start saying No and all that?? Well, I am not doing the Fair anymore...there, there is something else off my list...

And, here is what I do with the paper when it is all done ($3 each, 2 for $5 and I have hundreds for all occasions - free shipping for orders over $10)

I DID IT

I said NO!!! For the first time, EVER, I have turned down work! They asked me to do an additional project on the Homeland Security Conference and I said I just had tooooo much to do...Thank god K was not doing the asking, 'cuz you KNOW I would have caved in!

Woot Woots and high 5s all around.

It's All Too Much

I am back...I am thrilled to see that none of my 14 followers has deserted me! I have actually been back home an entire week, but just have not been able to find 5 minutes, (let alone the requisite 45 minutes that it takes me) to do a post....I know some folks just start writing and glorious gobs of meaningful prose spew forth, quiickly and effortlessly. Me, I just spew and the gobs are not always so appealing. I agonize over my gobs.

So HERE is a partial list of things I am currently working on.

1) I work relatively full time. Granted, I do it from home, most days in my pajamas, but it is still a very demanding job - Not only am I doing a 40 page statistical report, I am also trying to negotiate hotel contracts for 2 years in four separate cities... but membership MAY be voting to delete one of the cities, but I can't tell the city that, and the wheeling and dealing has gotten a lot more cut throat, thanks to the economy - everyone wants my business, and they are clawing at each other to get me to sign, and and dude, all I need is an upgrade to the executive floor and meeting planner points....

2) I am organizing an event for 40+ kids, their parents, siblings and friends at the Design/Build/Fly competition being held here in the Old Pueblo in 2 weeks...no, less than 2 weeks. There is no pay for this, just glory. I have been organizing this year long kids programming for 4 years and while it keeps winning national prizes, I can't seem to get ANYONE else to want to take it on!!!

3) I am in rehearsal for a play that has its first staged presentation NEXT thursday...I am directing it AND in it, since I couldn't get enough actors (even though I am paying a King's Ransom [comparatively] for this thing) I have to finish mixing the sound cues and put them on a CD...oh, and I need to find a sound engineer.... and Where is that box of props I used for this show last time...I hope I don't have to rebuild them ALL....

4) I need to get my brother's daughter's Easter gift in the mail...cute huh? and I even have a box for it - let's see if I can get to the Post Office tomorrow....it is already too late for ground fed ex. And I need to order something for my sister's kids - I am thinking Popcorn Factory?

5) I need to get tickets to MI to go see my nephew graduate...tickets have gone from $198 to just OVER $400 in the month I have been dicking around on this

6) I need to register for a conference in NYC in August before the early bird deadline passes, but first I need to line up 6 panelists to sit up there with me...and no one has bothered to email me back!

7) I need to get the license and pay the royalties on that play still...It is just a matter of printing the document, finding the check book, writing the check, finding an envelope AND a stamp and MAILING IT! Maybe when I go to do the box?

8) Son of a bitch..speaking of checks, I need to do my taxes...they are actually ABD (all but done) - I just need to see if I made a qualifying donation last year, but that means I have to dig through my BOX of bank/tax stuff to find last year's return

9) Send some money to my IRA.....seems like throwing good money after bad in a way....but I need the deduction, and I guess it is safe as anywhere in a money market, right? Don't answer that

10) Speaking of boxes, it looks like I will be moving to a friend's townhome in June and before I let people in my house to MOVE me, I need to CLEAN THIS PLACE UP and get rid of some stuff. I have started a pile by my door of stuff that is TOO good to throw away. I am hoping my apartment complex will organize a garage sale, or maybe I will sell stuff on Craig's List? What I OUGHT to do is just take it to the dumpster.....but really there is some good shit in there!!

10) Commitments THIS week, cuz I find it impossible to say no to ANYONE...Lunch with H new baby E tomorrow, coffee date with my old neighbor, conference call regarding another conference I am organizing, AND a Dinner meeting with the rocket scientists on Wed, "something" on Thursday, a walk in the canyon with Big G Friday....Here is a picture from our walk up on Mt. Lemmon last weekend - pretty amazing that THIS is 1/2 an hour away from THIS.

11) I have decided I need to challenge my brain more, as crochet and Sudoku are too easy for me. So I bought knitting needles and I am gonna teach myself how to do it....left handed.....

12) There were able 14 other things that ARE in fact on this list, but I can't remember what they are, and I am already at just over 45 minutes so they will have to wait til the next post......can I just add, that I HAVE been to the gym 4 times this week, and my average mile speed has dropped from just over 13 minutes to just under 12...

So, if you need me to do something, obviously, all you have to do is ask and I will do it. For New Years and Lent, some people vow to stay on diets or not eat chocolate, and be nice to stupid people or whatever....every year, mine is the same...I VOW not to commit myself to things, to take on more projects and NOT go to lunch or coffee and yet in the words of Ado Annie, I'm just a girl who cain't say No!!

amazing disappearing SSP

I am so behind, and I almost caught up for 2005! Seriously, folks. I am having withdrawal from not being able to read all the blogs I really enjoy....I have been walking in the canyon a good bit, but finally found a cast for my play so have been trying to get that organized, in addition to that pesky REAL job...and I organized a rocket launch for 35 kids, oh, and then I find out last week, I AM going to Chicago (today), so I have a little pressure to get a report done that I had planned to do AFTER my taxes....so all that to say, I am sorry I have been a bad blogger. as Irish Gumbo said.....I'll be back....I am just not lugging my lap top to Chicago - I will be computer less for 2 whole days! Quelle horreur!!!

I'll have lots to read when I get back, but I really have a lot to share from the last month or so...Don't forget me!