I need a life coach. I am going through that mid-life crisis I have heard so much about and I think I have been for a while, but I have been too stupid to realize it. I think the reason I could basically care less if this thing with, shall we call him "Pig Pen," works or not is cuz I have never aspired to ANYTHING!! Seriously!! Like, a real relationship just isn't that high on my NEEDS list...just really a "wish." Like "I wish I was thinner" or I wish people would be nicer to old people." Those impossible things we ALL wish for, but never really DO anything to change. Like I kinda expect "it" (a relationship) will just happen, 'cuz I wished hard enough, without working at it. I am so "busy" with everything else in my life, who has time to look for a real one...and of course, that way, I manage to avoid the inevitable rejection too.
I guess I am SO afraid of what I KNOW is possible - I see it all around...the arguments my friends have with their husbands, my sister griping about hers, my parents simple, pure meanness to each other, what my friend JD's wife did to him, people up and dying on you in the middle of what you thought was forever....shoot, I'd rather be alone. If it was JUST sex, I guess I could go get me some, if i really wanted it. There are a lot of horny guys out there who wouldn't mind my fat ass or my neurotic need for clean teeth and hands. I guess it has just never been that important to me.
My life, (other than the FUCKING Diabetes, or course) has been a piece of cake! My fabulous jobs have actually ALL just fallen into my lap. Just about every opportunity or good thing I have ever had, just CAME to me with hardly ANY effort. My career in theatre has significant amounts of rejection associated with it, yet, I have rarely felt it - something better or "as good" has always come along. I don't get cast in one play, but I get a better role in something else; I don't get selected to direct one project, but another one that actually pays MONEY crops up.
I have been incredibly lucky...but I simply have NOT had the opportunity to learn some vital life sustaing skills, have I? "They" always say you have to be "hungry enough" then you will go out and really pursue something, and I have always been....."ehhhhhhh, I am fine." I have never aspired to more...and I am a smart, talented, shrewd, gifted person, (and I am not just saying that because this is my blog and I can say whatever I want...I really AM!!). God, now I feel like such a loser...what could I have done with my life, with my talents, with my education, with my precious fucking TIME, if i had just tried. Just put forth a modest amount of fucking EFFORT. If I had worked a little harder of some of those golden opportunities and turned them into life changers. I know I have wasted my sexual prime, but my whole life??
WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I have won awards and prizes and kudos and gratitude and all that, for just putting forth miniscule amounts of energy. What, what what!!! WHAT could I have done if I had TRIED.
god dammit
I am closer to 60 than I am 30.....I am on the slope to the end, grasping with my shredded fingernails as the incline gets steeper and steeper, rolling me towards the abysss.......
5 comments:
Are you freaking kidding me?? You have and have done so so so much more than I have!!! I WISH I HAD YOUR JOB AND ABILITIES!!!!
You are beautiful and smart!!! Age is just a number girlie!!! BE GRATEFUL!!!
LOVE YA!!!
Oh. Man. Now I feel like I need a life coach, too. Crap.
I've not been posting or commenting much lately, but I feel like I need to respond to this...
It is never too late to fully engage yourself in your life. I have a friend who, at the age of 53, decided to go to law school and become an attorney. He decided to do it because his life no longer interested him. (he did a few other typically male mid-life things first, but ultimately decided to do something positive.)
You have decided that you have regrets. That's fine. You can't change the past, but you can change everything from this point forward, if you so choose. Go for it. The best thing that can happen is that you reach all of your goals, and are as successful as you suspect you can be. The worst thing that can happen is that your life stays exactly the same as it is now, (which I think you indicated wasn't all that bad) but you won't be wondering, "what if?"
I don't like that nagging feeling of 'will I have made a difference after all is done'. Sometimes I wish I had kids so I could teach them to look at the world just a bit differently than most do, but that probably won't happen.
That's why I carve the stone and do the art things that will last for a long time at least. Plus, just getting out there and socializing. Ugh, I just depressed myself, now I have to go crunch some marble and arrange tessarae...
FWIW, you seem to have very diverse interests. Anyone girl that can make her own paper from scratch is bound to pick up a few long term groupies... hehe
Peaks and valleys, its all just peaks and valleys, be they emotional, spiritual, financial whatever.. its all about putting one foot in front of the next and doing the best you can.. and thats it, thats all you can do. Doesn't mean you won't feel shortchanged one day and overwhelmed with gratitude the next.. you are a contibutor SSP.. trust me on that one...
Hey in a couple weeks I get to be closer to 55 than to 50.. and I questoin my emoitional stability and my level of maturity and my karmic conection to the univers on a regular basis, I think its how we grow, I really do..
Kona will help.. I know it will
Post a Comment