Lessons the Rocket Scientist Taught Me

Inspired by Charmaine, over at Middle Aged Dating, I thought I'd share some deep personal stuff with ya. We are coming up on the 3 year anniversary of the last time I had any whoopee. Not that I wear that badge with honor or pride or shame...it is just a fact. I was late to the party in the first place, and there have been some long, cold, lonely stretches in the intervening years. There were some short bursts of activity, where I discovered actually HAVING a man doesn't necessarily mean it is any less cold or lonely. All in all, I have dated some extraordinary men, world travelers, musicians, artists, deck hands, teachers, photographers, lawyers...

When the Rocket Scientist dumped me, (on the phone), back in 'Aught Six I wallowed in my pajamas for 3 days (hey, wait, I am STILL in my pajamas). I wasn't ready to say I hated men, and I certainly wasn't ready to try a woman, (and I still am not, despite that three year mark) but I realized, I had really let my wall down to him, finally opened up on a LOT of subjects to a real person, and I was severely wounded. So in that mood, I wrote a little essay entitled:

Lessons the Rocket Scientist Taught Me

1) When sussing out a new dating prospect, my first question should not be, "so what do you do for fun?". It should be, "do you have cats and do you spend more than an hour a day playing video games?" Followed up by, "if I came over to your house in slightly risque attire, would you follow up on my advances, or would you want to watch a japanese samauri movie with subtitles while we sat on your cat hair covered couch?"

2) I must remember to bite my tongue hard when I had any kind of an opinion or suggestion about ANY thing cuz I am always wrong or misguided and someone has ALWAYS had a better/quicker/easier experience than me.

3) I must never ever believe things a man says in the throes of passion. I must remember that romance and kindness and gentleness at first are NO indication that that is how a person is going to be a few months later.

4) Some men are too set in their ways (OR as my dad says, "OBLIVIOUS TO THE FACT THAT THEY ARE UNCONSCIOUS") to ever allow someone into their lives. They are not capable of change, none of us are, really, but they are not even welcome to the idea of merging lifestyles with someone else...so don't bother. If he won't wipe the cat prints off the kitchen counter, don't expect him to keep the couch clean. I am the one who has to change.....and by change, I mean, don't wear black to his house cuz you WILL get cat hair on your clothes.

5) If the guy dislikes ALL of his ex-girlfriends and his ex-wife, and can't say a kind word about any woman he has ever dated, there might be something ELSE you need to know....

6) Don't introduce him to a less than perfect family. The tittie dancers, unwed mothers, ex cons, drug addicts and spoiled brats will stand out more than the doctors, cops, judges, military, teachers, sweet neices and aunts, not to mention all the amazing artists. (Yes I introduced him to my whole family - even my grandma).

7) Don't be fooled! Just cuz a guy can form an attachment to his pet doesn't necessarily mean he can form one with a live person. (Bonding with a computer game avatar does NOT count as an attachment on any level).

8) If he makes you FEEL loved and wanted and desired and that there is a connection on a deeper level, then you might want to check your own self esteem.

9) "Intimacy" doesn't mean what you have always thought it meant - a deep closeness, on ALL levels, but rather, it is something that is ONLY physical, quick and only truly enjoyed by one person. Talking and open communication are not required despite what all those books say.

10) When you are staring at the ceiling, in shock, unable to feel anything, know that later on, he will find solace in a computer game and with his cats, cats, who are more important to him than anyone...cats who will never hurt or disappoint him, who never ask him for anything except food and water, and who will never love him like a real person. He won't be hurting like you, so don't worry about him and just stare at the ceiling.

11) You will certainly grow as a person after time with a Rocket Scientist. I gained 10 pounds thanks to the Pill and the allergy medicine and the sleep aids I took, AND due to the fact that he screwed his nose up at the idea of salad for dinner, or a snack of hummus and rice cakes, soy milk in his macaroni and cheese, and the other more healthy foods I usually try to eat in favor of bloody steak. He hated the idea of "exercise" - the times I took the dog for a walk in the morning, he reluctantly went along....and no way was I going to get him to hike at the grand canyon!!!

The essay goes on, but you get the idea...I called him a few days after he broke up with me, and calmly asked him if we could talk about this. "What is the point," he spat (I could hear his video game in the background). "Your allergies to my pets are not going to go away and this relationship has gotten way out of balance." A moment of silence (on my end...he was typing away) then I said good luck with the launch (a real rocket, for work), and good bye and he hung up before I could even push the off button.

Not that I wallow any more about this - I am so very truly over him, but I wondered how soon after we broke up that he wiped off the dry erase board in the kitchen that had all my little notes on it for him. Did he throw out my really nice bath products that I left over there, or did he use them with someone else? I certainly miss the awesome bathtub.

Looking back with 20/20 hindsight, the little tiffs we had WERE root problems. He made me feel like I was stupid several times, and he was just incapable of having a discussion with anyone- it turned into a mind-numbing soliloqy almost every time (kinda like my writing - but you can always stop reading and go on to the next blog anytime. Can you imagine if I was sitting here TALKING to you like this...gawd, I'D want to kill me too!)

It would be in accurate to say he broke my heart 'cuz I don't think he ever had it, but at the time, he made be feel absolutely worthless and wasted and unlovable. As I tell K, I am moody and irrational, and I AM vulnerable and emotional and I don't have a lot of relationship armour in place. At first, it was easy to let him in, let it happen, go with the flow....be chill. And he drew me in, sucked me up into his life deeper and deeper, so that I could almost forget the incompatibilities...and then spit me out like a watermelon seed, and sent me skittering across the floor. I know now that it is HIS loss.....

So yes, the experience is "in my pocket," I was hurt and sad and I learned some things, and not just the things I joke about here, but important things about men and relationships and about what I need and want from another person, and not just in a selfish way. At the time, I looked over the notes I'd written to myself or in my journal about the other semi-relationships of the last 25 years, and hopefully I will do better next time......and maybe I will even get laid!!!