HELP HELP Au Secours! Aidez Moi....Hell....oh, never mind.....

This is a long post...sorry...And I have to ask you to promise not to laugh at me...OK I know you can't promise THAT, but have some compassion when you read this sad tale of woe and misfortune. If you read my blog (and apparently 8 of you do, plus my sister), then you know I travel a lot...and that this time of year is filled with anxiety, angst, apprehension, botheration, butterflies, cold sweat, concern, creeps, disquiet, disquietude, distress, dread, fidgets, foreboding fretfulness, fuss, jitters, jumps, misery, panic, suffering, sweat, trouble, uncertainty, unease, uneasiness>, watchfulness, willies, and worriment (thank you thesaurus.com).

Before I tell you what happened today, let's go back to 1990. I was living in Ft. Lauderdale in a not so nice part of town. I walked out one fine morning, hopped down the steps (it WAS almost 20 years ago) to get in my car and go to work, and went to my usual spot...and hmmm...my car was not there. I walked around but my Toronado was not in the parking lot! I walked back up to my apartment, went inside, and took a breath, then I left again, down the stairs to my spot...dammitalltohell, the car STILL wasn't there...No panic, just a dull thud of doom....my boss had told me I had better not be late anymore (I was usually 2 or 3 minutes late...she didn't seem to notice that I usually clocked out 30 or 45 minutes AFTER quitting time). I called 911 and they came out and took a report and I think my roommate drove me to work...and by noon or so, the cops called, and they had found my car 10 miles north, on my same street, with the ignition popped. My dad drove me up there after work and I had to pay $180 to get my poor violated car! I had a TV, a box of good pots and some costume fabric in the trunk, as well as one of those lock boxes with not too much of value in there, other than my CA drivers license, with the one awesome photo I had ever had on a license, and ALL of my grad school and most of my undergraduate tests and essays! And my gym shoes, which curiously enough they did not take...I was heart sick for my violated vehicle, and as it really was not drivable and needed a lot of work, I gave up the Grey Ghost, as we called the car, and bought another one.....They never did find out who did it..figured some kids out for a joy ride. Over time, I got used to the new car, nicknamed it, and now me and my sister tell fond tales of driving around Denver in freezing weather with no heater...

So, to today's story. I just got back from a week in Houston, then spent 5 days in Michigan, and tomorrow, I leave for 5 weeks - NYC, Chicago, and Las Vegas. I have been living out of suitcases, and the laundry hamper (well, really it is the floor covered in a miasma of clean and dirty clothes, in the middle of which sits a laundry hamper). Today I got organized, boxes have gone to fed ex, mail is forwarded, bank stuff taken care of, plants pawned off, bills up to date, milk gone, my house is approaching clean - all the usual things are rote as I have done this for 6 years now. I go to find a ring I wanted to wear to NYC - my mother gave me this ring when I graduated from college - she got it from HER grandfather and he had gotten it in trade for some tires in WWII, not a valuable ring but certainly some sentimental attachment...and the jewelry box was gone!! Huh? I look in a few places I might have moved it to with mounting dread, and then JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH, the other jewelry box on my dresser that holds earrings and bracelets is gone....I run into another room to find that the little tin I hide a stash of money in is also GONE...I look in another spot, and OH MY FUCKING GOD, the bag with my passport and my credit cards and frequent flyer cards is NOT THERE. I am breathing hard, and not from the running from room to room, let me tell you, Finally I open a drawer and sure enough, the jewelry box with my necklaces is gone.

I hadn't noticed any of this was gone as I had no need for any of the stuff in there for the last few days...not til I go get the ring do I see this very meticulous and deliberate theft of EVERYTHING I own of value. I called 911 and I am sobbing...I am trying to make a list of the things that are gone and finally the cop comes and I show him what is missing, and he gives me a form, and tells me I can touch whatever I want..I had been sitting on the floor crying since i called not wanting to mess up any more fingerprints. It's not like on CSI, he said, we won't be able to get any fingerprints, and he advises me to start hitting the pawn shops (I have never been to a pawn shop and I am not sure where there is one, and once there, how do I PROVE that something is mine and how tough will it be to prove that THIS 1908 silver dollar is MINE???). I figure someone must have come in while I was gone, and they KNEW I was gone, so they took their sweet time, not taking my crappy TV and 20 year old stereo or anything that would be hard to get rid of, but just the old coins and jewelry. He suggests perhaps someone from maintenance...I am doubtful, cuz those guys are all VERY cool and I just don't think any of them would do anything like that.

So he leaves and I call Crapinental to see what it will cost me to change my flight a few days later....$2400!!! WTF??? but he does say if I have my police report, they can probably reduce some of it - he actually sounded like he was gonna just change my flight over, but I said I needed to talk to my boss about coming in later and thanked him. Then I thought they have some credit cards and my passport AND my social security card...so I started calling my credit card companies, and got one stopped - no unusual charges, and they are over nighting a new card to me...

So I am still distraught, as you can imagine. My blood sugar is 548...normal is 70 - 110, so don't tell ME stress doesn't wreak havoc on a body...I usually have to eat a whole pizza to get it that high!! I calm down a little and a small click goes off in my head...did I HIDE it? I methodically tear my apartment APART. Drawers out, clothes strewn around, from one room to the next....I come to a closet with suitcases and plastic bins..... not in the suitcases, not in bin 1....and then the click turns into a slap across my face, as I open the other bin...winter clothes, and below that.....ALL MY MISSING CRAP!!!!! I am still sobbing, but now I am sobbing tears of HOW STUPID AM I, mixed with OH THANK GOD MY GREAT GRANDMOTHERS CAMEO NECKLACE IS STILL HERE.

I swear to you, I do NOT remember putting it away like this, and it HAD to have happened last week, between New Years Eve, when I wore the ring, and Jan 7 when I left for Michigan! As Shakespeare so succinctly put it, all's well that ends well, and I wholeheartedly agree, and I am EVER so glad I didn't change my flight (I can check in in 1 1/2 hours), and it was only 1 credit card I changed and not everything...oh my god, if this were to really happen, I would have been SO lost.

Is there a moral? Well, yes, I guess there are several. And let this be a lesson to YOU! For one, I need to keep better records of my credit cards and stuff. For two, I need to do a real inventory of my pitiful and almost valueless, but important to me nonetheless, jewelry. For three, I need to get rid of all the extra crap, so the really important stuff is easier to find. For four, now I have to put my house back together. For five, I need to take a valium AND some insulin and go to bed, but now I think I will just stay up til it is time to check in..... AND NOW I have to move it all anyway, since I told the whole fricking world where it was. Can someone remind me when I get home that is hasn't been stolen, that I just hid it really good and to please keep looking.. On the other hand, could this be the start of the end? Shall I spiral down every so awkwardly into total dementia???? shoot me now, please

So, I feel so stupid, but in the words of the great Roseanne Roseannadanna.......Never Mind...