To be or Not to be...and to be WHAT is really the question!

I responded to someone who commented on my last post about how my life, and my life's focus seems to be changing, without my permission.  I am trying to find that next step, that next "fun" thing that will hopefully take me out of this mid-life crisis, but as I wrote to her, it is just really hard to make myself FOCUS on something "else" for some reason.  I mean, I have "done" theatre since I was a teen ager.  My family knows me as the dramatic one; i have a multi-page resume that says I "DO" theatre...I have diplomas and awards and stacks of books that say my expertise is in the production of live entertainment of one form or another...It has been what has "defined" me, in conversation (So, what do YOU do?), in my dating profiles (Job?: Creative); even my tax return (Occupation: Director), and so much more...

And now I feel like my very outlines are blurring. I sense my colors seeping out, mixing together, sort of like watercolors that are too watery on paper that is not absorbent enough...I feel like a scribble...

I know no one can TELL me what to do; I suppose medication would be a useful tool....I am sure this is "just" some kind of mid life crisis, but it sure feels hopeless and out of control.

On a good note, in the last week, I have managed to hook up my OWN wireless router; hooked up the adapter to TIVO so now IT gets a wireless signal (the internal analog modem no longer "speaks" to digital Qwest...oh, how I wish I could tell them to go screw themselves like that); AND I got a smart phone....I jumped all the way into the 21st century, from 1994 in one giant swoop!!!  I think these external progresses are a direct and specific desire to avoid the more important internal discussion that needs to be had.....and I cooked, too, twice, this week. If that ain't avoidance, I don't know what it is!!

wordless wednesday

this one's for you Captain Dumbass!

May the Fourth Be With YOU!!!

My take on the death of Osama bin Laden

At an interfaith summit held in Chicago after the events of September 11th, religious leaders from around the world said:

"As we have since 9/11 and the beginning of the war on terrorism: we call for greater understanding; we seek to dispel ignorance; we ask that this be a time of humility not arrogance; and, we hope that all can be mindful of what we have lost." Reuters AlertNet - Muslim, Christian, Jewish Leaders Release Joint Peace Guidelines

I am happy, in my way, the OBL is dead, and now chumming the seas as shark bait, but I am not reveling in the street, and I truly wonder if those that DO, understand what his death represents, or if it is just a BOO YAH, in your face kind of arrogance, the kind of which makes the rest of the world hate us.??

I have chosen to live my life with TOLERANCE and DIVERSITY. Despite having watched the towers fall down out my BEDROOM WINDOW, I still believe that a better way to fight terrorism is NOT to go spread it around the world, but to face it here in our own country where our governments, churches, schools and media are literally terrorizing us into submission - telling us what to think, how to think and WHY we have these thoughts in the first place! Perhaps there are those of you among us who have not experienced the freedom of an original, unpopular, derisive thought....pity...they can be vastly liberating!

Perhaps if our leaders could figure out the answers to WHY those in other countries hate us so much, then perhaps we could FIX what is wrong here before we start telling the rest of the world how it ought to live! - I mean look at our farcical foreign policy just to start... we had no problem supporting and helping Afghanistan, including the Taliban, as long as they were fighting the Russians, but as soon as the Russians left, we tossed off Afghanistan, in the words of a friend, like a used condom! Go ahead, curse France all you want, it is NOT an original thought. People have hated the French for years for their snotty, anti-American attitudes which are perpetuated by the arrogant, rude American tourist, but the bottom line is that they are a free country and we are NOT the boss of them, and they are entitled to their opinions of our actions. Sure, we saved their ass twice, sure they provide arms to our enemies, but to expect, demand, require, loyalty? Puh- leeeeeeze.

But then, this IS America, the country where we blame our schools and those fags and Jews in Hollywood for our illiterate, drug dependent children, where we whine about gas prices as we drive our 4 wheel drive SUVs through the crowded, polluted downtown streets of our nation, where we think we can deny a woman the right to her own body and where a president who loses the popular vote can still be elected to president. God MUST really love America!!
 
Just what is so STUPID or naive or LIBERAL about being opposed to war and the ugly subversive tactics this country uses? What is STUPID or naive or LIBERAL about being disturbed by what we saw happen in the middle east, in Darfur, in Libya, in  Tibet and more and more, and what about what is happening HERE, where the very idea of Free Speech is being challenged?

I am tired...I need a hole to hide in somewhere....

let the healing begin.....sort of

They got him...they got Bin Laden today, as you probably already know, but I needed to write something on this very important May Day - a day to remember.  While the debates and questions are just beginning anew, I wanted a few minutes to just let the feelings wash over me -  elation, not quite "happiness." Definitely relief...whatever the word, this wicked symbol of when my world turned in on itself was GONE...I know the media and Donald Trump will do their best to ruin this speck of joy tomorrow...but I will go to bed knowing one little splinter in the rug burn of my life has been extracted, and for now, no one is pouring salt and lemon juice in the wound.

On a separate, but perhaps related, issue, I went to an audition tonight...the first in over a decade, maybe 20 - usually I am the director, or I am "drafted" into performing, but I had always loved auditions - I always felt totally at ease, cold readings were my forte, and....tonight...I didn't do well; I felt awkward, and ill prepared. I will admit, the play I was auditioning for called for a completely different frame of mind than I was in when I went in.  (I had been listening to Barack Obama in the car before I went in, and I should have been listening to something a little more morose...).

For more than a year now, I have had this little niggling worry that my life was on a dangerous course and that my calling may have shifted....After the last play I directed, something died...the drive and desire to direct, or be involved in any other way was simply gone - heck even to go SEE theatre at some times, was a chore!  I just don't care about it any more. What do you do when your passion of 3 decades no longer makes you happy or gives you a reason to get up in the morning? Is my life now doomed to be just my job and the odd vacation?  

As I was getting out of the car after the audition, the thought crossed my mind that at least NOW I could FINALLY get rid of those 6 boxes of plays and voice books, and scripts and props and costumes that I have been tripping over for ever.  If for no other reason than I could actually maybe put a guest bed in here.....but that feels so superficial...am I really gonna just throw it away? I have an amazing library and collection of STUFF....

ehhhh...like Scarlet, I will think about it tomorrow. For now...Public Enemy #1, the face of Evil, the spectre of death who has haunted my dreams for almost a decade is dead. And frankly my dear, I am damn glad!

Good night....

Almost May? what happened to April?

I do not know how I got here, but here we are, the slippery side of April....I have missed most of the year...oh well...pick me up, dust me off and back in the saddle I hop....er....stagger.

So, perhaps semantic arguments to be won by someone smarter than me, but is "caring" enough? Is simply "wanting" an outcome enough to bring it to fruition? Are "Compassion" and "empathy" the same thing or different?

I find the world has become a truly lamentable place, filled with "beings" who exist without compassion; robots who go through daily routines completely oblivious to the suffering (great and small) around them...I realize the tragic truth that there are many-many-MANY people  who have no sense of "other." All that matters to these beings is themselves, their own moment to moment happiness, (and perhaps extended to their family), but ultimately selfish, competitive, isolated, insulated automatons. These soulless beings'  interest in something is limited to how that something can be applied to their own selves; used to embiggen their lives (thanks for the awesome word, Auds) ...and at the end, what have they GOT that the other has NOT?

Don't know where I read it, but species are not designed to live competitive isolated lives. The ones that collaborate and cooperate are the ones that do better

I definitely believe you can't have empathy or compassion if you don't care, but the other way around is not so touch....Sure, we all go around "caring" for other people - doing good deeds, looking out for their well being, changing diapers (NOT ME), waving to the newspaper seller in the intersection, but is that empathy? Making a connection, and then having the NEED to warm a hearts, and the DESIRE to understand an emotional state, and WANTING to communicate, even without words. This is all much much more useful/important/necessary than merely "caring."

My doctor cares for me, as a fee paying patient, but compassionate? Not so much.  Did he not just stand there, patting me stiffly on the shoulder when I was doing the ugly cry in his office about my 37 year battle with diabetes; My friends with diabetes don't pat me on the shoulder. They REALLY know what is going on, really understand, and in many ways are more useful to me than my "care-taker" (who is actually a bit of a schmuck, and ought to be fired, if truth be told). HAVING empathy can CREATE true compassion. I don't know some guy who was killed in a car accident, but because I can relate to something in his story; where he lived or went to school, or something about his life of family, even if solely within my imagination, I can care for him, about him, and have compassion for his life. 

And that is the thing. I don't believe you can really care for someone else, in pain, in joy, or anything else, unless you can relate to that feeling.....Most people watch tv or movies or theatre, or read the daily paper, or watch the 10 o'clock news, and somehow manage to remain separate from the story - dispassionate; to observe it, almost, clinically.  Then, there are others, far fewer, who are drawn into the reality of the OTHER world, and find pieces to tie directly the their ownselves?

And Hollywood has tapped into that by giving us REALITY TV....that fine line between the observer and the observed blurs into obscurity.....and maybe the NEXT season will feature US!  We could be that family on the desperate housewives of Peoria, AZ!!

If I have to choose, I want empathy...understanding, or simply the DESIRE to understand. I believe honest "compassion" and true "caring" begin with understanding another person, and I am glad I feel enough to cry at commercials and be sick to my stomach during the news. 


So, no, there isn't really a point, and no, I don't care. It IS random Tuesday after all....

A sh**ty tale to tell

Wow, it has been a while since I had time to say anything, let alone time to WRITE anything down. In hindsight, it has been quite the ride for me personally, but I haven't had the energy to organize it into a coherent tale.  I can sum it up with three little words, OH MY GOD, but that doesn't really say anything....so to begin....

End of November - Key West with my mama...she is a tricky dame, and it was tense a few times, but over all it worked out. I was surprised at how nice a time it was, and she only made me cry once or twice, so I count that as a WIN.

December - Work deadlines loom, as well as all that Christmas present buying crap, and traveling to see family and the fake smiles and impossible moods one is forced to have or be called a SOUR PUSS (fuck you too). I spent 3 blissful, Internet and TV free days out at dad's before the onslaught began...and truth be told, that was the last bliss I felt for the next three months!

I was home on the 2nd and left on the 6th for a conference in Michigan. Never one to pass up an opportunity to inflict MORE family on myself, I flew to my sister's, spent a day with her family, then she drove me to the conference which was in a nearby city, but was sadly poorly attended. Back at sissy's, it began to snow the night before I was supposed to leave...when I got to the airport the next day, my flight was merely delayed, then REALLY delayed and finally canceled, so I went back to sissy's for another night.  Highlight on the flight to Denver the next day, I actually sat next to a nice, and cute and single guy. We had lunch at the airport in Denver, then we went our separate ways...and by lunch, I DO mean lunch. (I never had the chance to find out what was WRONG with him, cuz there is always a reason guys my age who are cute and nice are single).

Finally home on the 13th, I had a few days days to pack up everything for my annual national trek for work. I spent the rest of January and most of February fighting weather issues (photo is Central Park), scheduling problems, personality conflicts, and couch surfing. I was in New York, then Chicago, then San Francisco, then back to New York.  I managed to squeeze in some friend visits, and clam chowder on fisherman's wharf AND the San Francisco Aquarium, (love them jellyfsh!) and of course had family working for me in both NYC and Chicago. 

(In the photo at left, that is me, my aunt, my sister, my niece, and a work colleague cutting loose after the day's events - and this is before ANY alcohol or chocolate!)  While in CA, I rented a car and drove up the coast for another conference. As I am enjoying the best falafel I'd ever had (at a strip mall, in Arcata, CA of all places), my mom calls. Grandma is not doing well, so mom was on her way to  Louisiana to see her - and she was in incredible pain in the car. As soon as she arrived, her sister took her to ER, where she was diagnosed with shingles!! Stress anyone?

Back in NYC for a few days, I saw a show and some friends, and my wallet was either lost or stolen somewhere between Times Square and 207th Street.....Stupid cops at precinct #34 were of NO help, no consolation to a sobbing, hysterical lady with NO money!  Gone are my ID, building pass, credit cards, the key to my car, my National Parks Pass, my health insurance card with my social security number on it, my Medic Alert Card, my STUDENT ID, which was the golden ticket to getting discount tickets everywhere, and last but not least, $450 cash I had been given at Christmas, and which I was going to use THAT weekend to buy an Ipad or a Nook or something like that.  The nicest person I met all day was the subway guy, who let me in without charging my metro card, after I counted out the pennies and nickels I had in the bottom of my purse to scrape together the fare to get to my office (where I had some cash)! 

So, I spend a last weekend hating New York, and then sob my way through the TSA, without an ID (and NO grope this time!!!!) and get home towards the end of February. I spent the next week replacing credit cards, putting a fraud watch on my social security number, and trying to figure out how to get a new ID without having to actually become a resident on AZ.  I said last rites to ALL of my plants that died while I was gone - (and when I say ALL, I mean every fucking one is a brown stump of organic matter.  They are all still out there...I water them once a week.  I can't believe they are all dead - maybe a little water and sun will help???) And MAN is the weather nice...such a change from the pissing rain in Northern California, and the SNOW in New York!

March 1, I am about to head to Atlanta for a conference, followed by a relaxing (?) bus ride up through North Carolina to see friends and family, culminating in DC for another conference.  Mama calls; she had just gotten home 2 days earlier and THEN grandma dies. She was 93 but still I am heart broken - she was one of the rare few who "got" me.  I stay up all night, rearranging all of my plans. including a frequent flyer award ticket to get me to Louisiana from Atlanta and then back to Washington, so I can meet my work obligations...my Greyhound tickets are, of course, non refundable.  

Atlanta was a bit of a blur - I saw some cousins, and a friend I hadn't seen in 20 years (I love Facebook), but I lost my jump drive, and yes, as a matter of fact, it DOES have a scan of my passport AND all of my unused Groupons on it.  I left Atlanta and flew directly to the small town where my grandma lived (I figured if I was gonna spend a buttload of points, I might as well get all the way there, even if it meant a propeller plane, rather than renting a car in Houston).

It was horrible, simply ghastly being in that house with my sister and brother and their families.  My grandma had lived in the same  house since well before I was born, and there is a certain smell, you know what I mean...and certain places in the house, and special items...and I cried for about 24 straight hours - Mama wasn't there yet, obviously.  The tears stopped when she arrived, (she has that incredible ability to make me angry enough to stop feeling bad...but not for long).  Then my aunt destroys EVERYTHING!

My  mom has two younger sisters. Aunt T, who is the youngest and Ain't D, who is the middle.  Ain't D TELLS mama and Aunt T that her OWN lawyer has been looking at the will and there are some CHANGES to go over, and things are going to be DIFFERENT...and all this happens right before the viewing. My mom and Aunt T are distraught - the will has been around for decades and always said the same thing! Mom is still suffering with the shingles anyway, so this is NOT a pleasant situation.  Ain't D, my fricking GOD MOTHER, (who I have made significant efforts at maintaining our relationship over the years, though she has all but alienated herself from everyone else in the family),  separates herself (and her live-in "room mate" - yes, we all KNOW she is gay, but she will never come out and admit it);  she doesn't come to the huge family gathering AFTER the funeral. She commands that NO ONE remove anything from the house (all the cousins ignored that at our mothers' insistence - we all went over and selected a couple of things we wanted as mementos. I got the Archie and Veronica jelly jar glass from when we were little kids, as well as a couple of other meaningless things).

So Ain't D has found a loop hole in the Louisiana code that entitles her to a portion of the property Aunt T and mama inherited (it is called Succession if you want to look it up). Basically property doesn't go to a surviving spouse, it goes to the children, so when grandpa died 40 years ago, technically, his HALF of the property actually belonged to his three daughters, and even though Grandma "left" the house to my mom and the flower shop to Aunt T, she only left HER half.  So Ain't D is claiming her 1/3 of the grandpa's half - and is telling my mom and Aunt T that if they DON"T buy her out (to the tune of about $30K EACH), she will SUE them. Neither has 30K to just hand her, so both will be forced to SELL their inheritance to pay her off!  

In addition, NONE of the contents of the house can be divided up cuz the estate is now in probate!  Even though Grandma specifically said certain things went to certain people. For example, the grand piano was going to a cousin; the Dining room set that was my GREAT Grandmothers, that my grandma got expressly for my mother back in 1978; a chair my great grandmother left ME but it stayed at grandmas for thee last 30 years.  The CAR was supposed to go to ME to, I have been told (and saw it in Grandma's notes), cuz Grandma hated my old car!  And in fact, all 6 grand kids have CDs, in our own name that are now frozen with the other assets. Ain't D wants to sell EVERYTHING and get her third.  She doesn't give a dead rat's ass that everyone else in the family wants to keep these things in the family! The china my Great Grandmother brought from Italy...the silver set.  (I absconded with a spoon from the set, so Ain't D won't be able to sell it as a complete set - HA!).  And where the hell is ALL of grandma's jewelry???

AND for a little bit of lemon in this paper cut of inequity, Ain't D inherited two income generating properties Grandma owned free and clear of Grandpa, which means mom and Aunt T have ZERO claim on THEM...So basically Ain't D makes out like a bandit to the tune of almost 1/2 a million, while Mama and Aunt T, AFTER they sell their inheritance and pay off Ain't D will come out with about 100K!!!

So, in the middle of all this falderol, Mama has another attack of Shingles.  I never thought I'd have to see my mama's naked butt, but my sister and brother were already gone, and I couldn't exactly leave her there writhing in pain, (could I??).  So I  kindly and gently tended to her...and she barked and screamed and tried to make me cry but I persevered and catered to her and made her eat and drink and take her medicine. I even called 911 for her one morning when she was sure she was having a heart attack.  The ER doctor said it was just anxiety (DUH - I had been asking someone to give her a Valium since she arrived, or at least give ME one). So she gets a prescription for something mood calming, and Aunt T took over, and I escaped headed to Washington for my other conference.

Oh but wait, first, I got sick in the middle of the night the day before I left. Now, I had not been sleeping anyway, between shuffling from couch, to houses, to sleeping on the ends of beds cuz baby nieces spread out quite a bit. since it is the single, childless person who makes adjustments in these situations (right?), but I wake up at 3am and I am definitely SICK....I am sitting there on the potty trying to puke quietly in the trash can, while trying to silently shit liquid out of the other end, and sobbing that I can't call out for my mommy, who is in the next room covered in pain patches and zonked out on vicidin.

So, I live through the last day without eating a thing and gingerly get on a propeller plane (adter being GROPED at the smallest airport in America -  literally 3 gates...and I am "randomly" selected?  Was it the vomit bag in my hand that gave away my treasonous thoughts).  My friend, a former lover, picks me up. I was staying with him on  his boat, which kinda worried me, cuz I am not INTO  him like that anymore, but he assured me he had two berths and it was no problem...Well, first off, he decides we are going sailing with some of his friends....I had not eaten anything in going on 48 hours, and he stops at McDonald's, so I have some nice greasy fries to quell the insurgencies in my belly and we get on the boat...I pop one of mom's Elavils (OK, so I snuck a couple - I deserved them) and pray for calm water. Yeah, it was so calm we had to motor half way from Mt. Vernon back to DC...it took 7 frickin' hours to go less than 10 miles!  Once we finally got off, and got back to HIS boat, i was definitely not feeling good...AND he only technically had ONE berth.  The other one was really a shelf he was going to put some clothes on to sleep....I said he could sleep in the berth...and spent all night praying i neither snored or puked or farted.

The next day, he had a brunch and I begged off, so he dropped me on the Mall and I shuffled through the Natural History Museum and around the Washington Monument. I SO wished I felt better!!  When he picked me up, we went to the American History Museum so I could see the Red Shoes from Wizard of Oz, then we drove to Annapolis for dinner.  I ordered soup and salad and picked at it.....back at the boat, there was definitely intestinal distress going on, so i went to bed, and he stayed up playing on his computer...about 1am, I woke up, sick. I begged him to let me go alone to the dock where the toilets were, but he was gentleman enough to not let me wander  off in the dock.....god damn it, I just wanted to let my intestines DO their thing and i didn't need some GUY there listening to me....So I puked several times instead...not that I really had any control over that. 

So, restless sleep ensued, don't care what noises I made and the next day he drove me into town where my hotel was....I checked in and have never felt so happy to be in private hotel room in my entire life!

The next 2 days were spent "on the hill" in meetings, which is kinda cool and I was definitely feeling physically better, and even managed to meet up with my FBI guy cousin for a cider at an Irish pub; but the gravity of the drama with Ain't D was finally hitting...she really robbed me and my family of our time to grieve for grandma. I know some day it will really hit me...and I get little snatches of it every now and then, but there is so much to do here that I really don't allow myself the luxury of wallowing, like I think I need to do...

Instead, I have thrown myself into serious body modification.....22 pounds in 13 weeks....I have a high school reunion coming up in June. So, I have been working my ass off for the last week, and not one single ounce on the scale! I mean, I did 4 miles on the treadmill on Saturday AND 4 miles on the actual road on Sunday and yet, NADA.....I got a trainer Groupon and he better help me see some results, or i will just have to explode.....

and now you are where I am...Where the hell did the first quarter of the year go? How did I get here? This is not my beautiful house? You are not my beautiful wife? My beautiful car needs work, or I need a new one...I need a new phone. I need new plants.  I want to hide away from it all....

So....anyone?  i would love to hear your comments...Don't you think this would make a GREAT movie?  I can't see how it ends yet, but it better be good.....

Post script:  Sunday night, I get a call from my dad, he leaves a message to please call him as soon as possible. When I reach him, he is in an ambulance on the way to the hospital....He feels the way he did when he had his heart attack in 2000....and he has been throwing up....Turns out he has vertigo, which apparently runs in our family - we are all a bunch of Busy Ditches.....but COME ON....enough is enough...I didn't think I was gonna sleep that night but thank god for chemistry....He is still drugged up today, trying to get some head scans, MRIs and he is such a hard headed cuss, he might just blow it all off....AGHHHHHHHHHH

My grandma

my grandma died today.....She was 93 and lived a full life - she didn't suffer at the end, and now she is with my grandpa who died more than 40 years ago...and her sisters and her baby brother...and best of all, no more old biddies to cheat her at bridge! She would have loved dying on 3/1/11...she had a thing about numbers...had three siblings, 3 daughters, 2 of whom had 3 children....

I had no words before to fill this useless blog...and I really still don't,  but I wanted to tell the entire world how sad I am, and how much I will miss her.

before and after

2 pm Tuesday

what is the deal with posting photos???

I was in Michigan for work this past week. I was scheduled to
leave on Tuesday afternoon with a connection in Denver.....that never happened, thanks to an amazing "lake effect" snow.

I got an extra night at my sisters with her kids...but I missed the Memorial for the shooting victims.

4pm Tuesday

Look at this blue sky view from Safeway Wedneday afternoon.....

Gabby Giffords

can someone please explain to me what is going on in the world? I mean, we don't  know if this guy was just some nut job off his meds, or if his actions were politically motivated, but if Jared Loughner is an example of the youth of today deal with situations, then we are FUCKED for sure!  Should we now be afraid of asserting our first amendment right!  Is someone going to SHOOT me because I said George W was a friggin' idiot and that the invasion was WRONG.....How about because I am considering buying a FOREIGN car next time??

I don't pray in the conventional sense, but what passes for them are being said, thought and felt for Gabrielle Giffords now. I am very proud to say that I voted for this amazing woman.

promises promises

I am entering another contest, since I "really" have nothing else to do.....My work in Michigan is almost over and tomorrow night i can try and relax with my sissy and her crazy kids. 

To enter the contest you have to share what some of your better choices will be for 2011...I have many that aren't publishable, but there are some I can share. If YOU want to enter the contest for a $100 girft card, check out this link.  Auds at Barking Mad is one of my most favorite writers!!

whooo hooo!!!

happy new year

so i am a little late wishing any remaining readers happy holidays...however, my life is a bit of a whirl wind this time of year...boring stuff, but keeps me in frequent flyer points, and so far I have avoided the groping, but just wait....in the next 4 weeks, they will have many many more opportunities to fondle me.

i am with my sissy, the SWWM, but it has been lovely so far. Me and my niece shoveled the snow today, and hopefully the roads will be clear tomorrow so we can go to my conference....

My other niece is worth an entire blog post but I am just toooo tired......

my sister doesn't feed them enough apparently

ho ho

the last few weeks have seen  me aiming in the decidedly GRINCH direction.  Thanks to Ryan at Pacing the Panic Room, who pointed me at the Bloggess. Not that many people read my blog, but if you happen upon it, please go see what she has done....it will BLOW you away.....She is actually the kind of writer I wish I were, but more importantly, she is the person we ALL wish we could be!

now excuse me, while I go pack up my Grinch-itude and try to have a better outlook on the season....

Happy and Merry

wasting away again in margarita-ville

my phone ring tone is Jimmy Buffet's quintessential chill song...and funnily enough, I am not really a fan of Buffet, and even though I lived in Ft. Lauderdale a while, and my mom has lived there since 1984, I had never been to Key West.  Figured it wasn't much more to fuss about than the New Orleans' French Quarter (been there), San Diego's Old Town (been there); Galveston's Strand (been there), New York's Greenwich Village (been there), San Francisco's Haight (been there), Paris' Latin Quarter (been there) and any one of a hundred other quaint little tourist traps... I have been there and I have the t-shirt!

So, back in June, when mom asked me to go to Key West with her and a couple friends over Thanksgiving, I wasn't too enthused but said "sure".....Something better was bound to come up and I totally forgot about it...until October when she asked when I was arriving...oops... and had I made the hotel reservations she had requested (back in June). Double Oops.  So I got on the stick, cashed in a frequent flyer award and made a triple point earning booking at a nice hotel where I get upgrades and free stuff.

My  mother and me, together.....can we just say that I may not have coined it, but I LIVE the phrase, "if it's not one thing, it's your mother."  She is a strong, beautiful, creative woman, who can handle anything. In fact I have never seen her cry...Indeed, I rarely see her have any emotion at all.  She has the ability to make me cry with just a word and I DO live in fear. I spill water on the floor and cringe that she will say something scathing. I broke a lamp one time and called a friend to see if she could take me to the airport (3 days early). I think it all goes back to when I was about 6 years old and my sister accidentally broke a plate or something, and my mother RIPPED the leg off her dolly and said something like "you don't take care of my things, so I am not going to take care of yours."  

Anyway, I always let these things go and go forward with hope and optimism, and while more often than not, I am punished for my naivete, this time it wasn't so bad.  She only made me cry 3 times in an entire week!!!  it was actually a fun time, and I won't need reconstructive surgery on the inside of my cheek. Nor will my tongue have to be stitched completely back on.....

Here are a few photos of the trip...more to come when I figure out to upload them from my new camera....

me and mom and her friends at thanksgiving dinner - Pier House

Conch Chowder and fruit plate with no honeydew - Give Thanks!

do i really need to write a caption?

we have our moments...

Thanks for a great trip, Margarita....(not that she reads my blog.....thank god)

Yeah - What Irish Said

This is what i would have said, if I wasn't so damn lazy....

 Of course, it wouldn't have been as WELL written, but the thoughts and feelings are the same.

THANKS IRISH!!!

the walls are crumbling

All around me, walls are crumbling. Life is folding in in so many horrible ways for my friends this week..

In summary,

Sweet DB found out her 5 month fetus didn't have a brain and had to be induced on Saturday...

JM had cancerous lumps removed from her breast on Monday...

Granny Janny had her foot amputated Tuesday due to complications of MRSA, and diabetes....

and some of my blog friends are also going through really tough times

I don't have enough tears for all this. There are times, rare but occasional, that I really had some kind of faith....

In a slightly lighter, if twisted vein, I have a great suspicion that I will be arrested on Dec. 1 coming back from Ft. Lauderdale (They have the NudeOScopes at the airport and I am absolutely NOT going through it and if anyone tries to touch MY junk, I will scream bloody murder......)  watch the news on 12/2, cuz  you might see me....

Set sail for adventure, indeed

As a former employee of a company that provided those singin' and dancin' shows on board cruise ships, perhaps I am just a wee bit biased, but what the hell is the big deal about those POOR people on the cruise ship Splendor and their 4 day "ordeal." Boo Fucking Hoo. They had to eat Spam and pop tarts and walk UP and down stairs.  ohhhhh, so sad.....this cataclysm It RUINED your birthday. This catastrophe turned your 2nd Honeymoon into a Nightmare.

Do you realize how many of those 4,500 people were just trying to do their job?  More than 1,200 people WORK on that ship! Talk about lousy working conditions in general (the crew bar is usually way below sea level, no one has a porthole, and we used to call the hall behind the kitchens "Slime Alley").  Crew doesn't eat the same food as passengers, trust me, and they don't get to do shore excursions (unless they are the performers and their agent arranged a really good deal with the producer)...

I am so sick of hearing  "Oh, I couldn't take a shower!"  "There was nothing to doooo."  "It was too cold to lay out on the deck." "We couldn't go in the pool."  Wahh wahh wahhh.  At least, all of the passengers are going to get their money back AND a free cruise.  What will the employees, who had to suffer through this HELL just as much as the paying guests.  Will they get any workman's comp for this trauma?  MOST of them live below decks  - passenger elevators don't even go down the 10 levels or MORE that are for kitchens and crew living and engines etc.  Down there, until the emergency generators came on, it was probably pitch black!  I can see some post traumatic stress cases arising from having to deal with that kind of a situation.

This was an ACCIDENT.  ACCIDENTS happen. Get over it. No one died, and everyone, except the crew, is going to make out like a bandit.....

In Memory of the Buffs

I was a freshman at CU back in the early 80s, then went back there for graduate school...but since then haven't been a real fan of college football....But NOW that CU will be part of the PAC 12 with a chance of seeing my boys here in Tucson, and it being so chilly here today, thought I would share a little ditty I wrote when I was going to school in Santa Barbara....

The biting chill of autumn days

Puts football in my veins.

Though far away and out of sight,

The memory remains.

We infiltrate the stadium

To cheer our padded boys.

A winning score is not our aim -

Just making lots of noise.

Drowning out the marching band,

The hot dogs and the beers.

The paper planes and making up

Of dirty obscene cheers.

Yelling at the referee,

The passing up of bodies,

Sipping spiked hot chocolate drinks -

Those minty flavored toddies.

The crunching of the shoulder pads,

The grunts and yellow flags,

Even though we never win,

Our ardor never lags.

We know the team will lose the game,

But still we love our Buffs,

Even though we rant and rave,

and call them "Powderpuffs".

But one rare time, we were surprised.

We won the victory crown.

Frenzied and ecstatic,

We tore a goal post down.

Though now the field is far away

And icy winds blow through,

The echo of our chant lives on -

"We love you, dear C.U."

Wordless Wednesday

if a picture is worth a thousand words, other than the cigarette, this pretty much sums up my feelings for the last few days

no sleep for YOU

so here is the tale.....I went to bed on Thursday night at midnight and woke up at 2 with a bloody nose that bled and bled...It finally stopped and I tried to get back to sleep, as I knew I had a busy weekend ahead and would be staying up all night on Friday to write an overnight play.  No such luck...no sleep for YOU.  So, I got up and worked til 8am, went to Pilates (I almost feel asleep on Double Leg Kick), then had breakfast with my classmates - no coffee, as i thought I might take a nap. 

No Nap for you!!  The phone rang...and after I turned it off and tried to close my eyes, my cell phone rang, and i couldn't turn it off as it was my alarm clock.  So, by the time I left the house, I was tired and cranky. I went to the Play in a Day presentation show on Friday night, where I was randomly assigned to another writer to write a 10 minute play, to be turned in by 6am.  So, I bought some diet Dr Pepper and headed to Nancy's for a war of the wills on writing a play with someone you don't know. 

Now, I am not much of a team player in the first place. I work from home, my sports are pilates and walking, I like working alone, which is funny considering my life in theatre...BUT I was ready to be a collaborator - apparently SHE wasn't...long story short, we went with my idea and turned in a play at 5:30am that I was actually quite proud of, and as a director, thought I could do a good job with it.  So, I laid down in her guest room to try and grab a couple hours sleep before I had to go to the JDRF walkathon (I raised over $2,000 thanks to my friends and family!! Click Here to see my progress chart and hear the cheers and whistles!!)...and my fucking cell phone rang at 6:30 - a friend calling to make sure I had turned in my play, and then at 745, I got a text from the girl I was walking with....so I gave up....

I took a shower and went to the walkathon, which we finished in an hour, and then I went to check in to the Doubletree.  Felt all my hard work deserved a nice relaxing night in a hotel, and I laid down to try to sleep.  My cell phone AGAIN, rang, and it was my mother. We talked until my phone starting dying and I thought GREAT - now I can sleep...and as I drifted off, the GOD DAMN FRONT DESK called to make sure my room was ok!!!  AGHHHHHHHHHHHH

So, I got up, and figured I would go get some dinner or something before I had to pick up my friend who was coming to see the performance of all the 10 minute plays that had been created the night before, and I could charge my phone in the car...but the CHARGER was broken...something about keeping it on the floor under my feet probably had something to do with it getting bent, I assume...So, I drove all the way home to get my phone charger.  I charged it a while and then left to get Kevin. I backed the car out of the garage, and as I shifted into Drive, it DIED.  It sounded like it WANTED to turn over, but just couldn't.  I am PANICKED!  I could miss the play, but all my stuff was at the hotel, and I had a thing to do down down on Sunday...

My neighbor said maybe it was the battery, but I didn't think so, cuz the lights and everything were fine and it was TRYING to turn over...(and as this post attests, I KNOW battery issues). I was pretty sure it was the alternator for some reason.  They helped me push it back up in the driveway, and my neighbor drove me to the theatre.

Once there, I had a whole slew of friends there to support my awesome play...and folks, the director and actors SUCKED big loads of CRAP and missed everything we had written, including the very blatant stage directions we had included to make sure certain bits were clear, and funny...I WAS so embarrassed, and when it was over, I leaned over to my friends and said, "you do not need to vote for mine to win."  The other plays were not really much better, but at least the acting was not so poor and you could understand what was going on.  At the end, yeah, mine did not win.  As a director, I have won 4 of the previous 6 times I participated, and if I had directed this script, it would have won....sigh. so, NO prize for YOU

My friend K drove me back to the hotel from the theatre, stopping at the store so I could pick up snacks for my Sunday event, then he came up and we talked until 2am - yes I would have preferred to either sleep or jump his bones, but since he's not that into me, and I know it, I took what I could get, and that was talk.  I confirmed breakfast with the front desk, since I had gotten a coupon for the awesome breakfast...11am - and YES, the hotel shuttle could take me to campus for my event! COOL...I could sleep til 10 (almost 8 hours), have a great breakfast and leisurely make it to the University with no trauma.....

watch the news and catch up on email.  Around 930, I called down to see if there was a crowd at breakfast and they said, no, it was really thinning out SINCE IT ENDED AT 10!

Fuck

So I showered and dressed and ran down to gulp in some eggs and bacon. They were out of fruit and yogurt, and the french toast was "limp" and they only had cheese danish...bleah.....

I was in too poor a mood to go sit in the hot tub, so I took the shuttle to campus, lugging my computer, my over night bag, 2 giant bags of chips, and a milk crate full of juice boxes, and my purse and water bottles.  I had a class with 35 unruly 8 - 12 year olds, and then took the lot of them to the planetarium, where I had hoped for a nice relaxing cool place where I could drop into a short nap...NO, they had a LASER show going....loud music, pulsing lasers...NO SLEEP FOR YOU!!!!

After everyone left. I kinda sat there...and then I realized I had no way to get home.....and not even any cash for a cab, and finally I burst into tears.......I sucked it up and called C, the guy who dumped me, saying he just wanted to be friends. And he said he would come get me...he lives 10 minutes away.  FIFTY minutes later he shows up and when we get to my house we take a look at my car.  It actually turned over the second try but before my elation could hit, he is screaming turn it off, as I notice black smoke rising from the hood.  The burning smell he figures is the serpentine, and I say, I still think it is the alternator causes all this, but he insists a pulley is out of alignment or something, so he takes the serpentine off...and all the pulleys spin fine...except  (guess!) the ALTERNATOR!.  He figures something has happened to the bearings in there.  We move the car to the garage, since now it starts like a 2010 model. He hangs out for a while, and then he left, I ate dinner and went to bed at 9am...And yes, I took a sleeping aid and left my cell phone in the other room.  I slept til 8....and now I am trying to get prices on getting this thing fixed.....

So here is my silver lining......at least it died at home...at least I drove up here to get my phone charger, otherwise I would have been stranded at the hotel, or worse, downtown at 10pm Saturday night, with NO PHONE.....

 

well?