I was 10 when I was diagnosed with diabetes. The doctors darkly warned me about complications and commanded me to inject insulin, or die. They impressed upon my childish self how difficult my life would be, how I might not have children, and threw in a caution about my shortened life span. However, they said, the cure was "right around the corner," surely in the next 20 years, but ONLY if I obeyed the rules. If I took care of myself, took my shots, tested my urine and kept my 10 year-old self from candy, then, when that cure came around, THEN, I could have my REAL life back.
34 years later, I’m still waiting! And as jaded and wrinkled and arthritic as I am, I still feel 10, only instead of "I HOPE Santa came," it’s "oh my gosh, I HOPE they find the cure!"
Life with diabetes is draining; it sneaks up, taking its slow insidious time. Fortunately for me, this slow depletion of life has forged extraordinary energy and resiliency. The knowledge I've gained “auditioning” doctors, fighting with insurance companies from hell, and doing Cirque du Soleil-worthy acrobatic feats with food, insulin and exercise, allows me to live a full, REAL life.
I have diabetes. I direct, write, teach, I am an outspoken activist. I build model rockets and crochet; I ski and camp. I stay up all night and sleep all day. I’ve traveled in planes, trains, automobiles, boats, and balloons. I eat ice cream AND pizza! If this isn't a real life, then this fake one has been pretty awesome…I’m not sitting here hoping for some cure so my real life can begin, but wouldn’t it be nice?
I'd rather not test my blood. I'd rather not lie awake at night wondering what I'll do and who will take care of me when I get old. I'd rather not dwell on dialysis. I'd rather not scare off another man thanks to everything the pump "attaches" to me. I am staving off kidney disease, cardiovascular disease and amputation, and hope that if a cure does come along, I’ll be healthy enough to receive it.
It is my greatest HOPE that the children of my family and friends never know what laser surgery in the eyeball feels like. I hope they never have to do insulin math to compensate for a sick day or to eat Chinese food. I hope they are never offered a nice, juicy apple at a birthday party, while everyone else eats cake. I hope they never need to test their own blood, or keep horrid jobs just for the insurance!
I hope...I still have a tiny, shimmering chunk of HOPE inside! Life would be different without diabetes, but I know it would be nothing without the people who give my REAL life REAL meaning – the ones who inspire me to keep hoping. So I test, and read up on the latest developments, and raise money for research. And I hope…..
1 comment:
I hope that day comes soon. Diabetes is spoken of as such a common thing these days, I think many of us forget how hard it is for the people living with it.
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