Ode to Alone

So, it isn't Iambic Pentameter, but it'll have to do.

Someone recently reminded me of Keats' Ode to Melancholy....a brilliant, "achingly beautiful" poem that discusses how you must experience pain to know pleasure, and I am not talking kinky sex here. You must relish being alone so that when you are with others, you can feel that power equally. I have to keep telling myself that I AM cut out for human interactions, and I have to stop short circuiting myself with that negative thinking. My first grade teacher was right when she said, "I worked better alone." Thinks [sic] like that. I am human and humans were not designed to exist alone. But, they just HAVE to be OK with it.

I think I enjoy being alone....I like being able to work all night if whatever crack I smoked makes me WANT to do that. I like being able to lock my door when I go on a trip and KNOW everything will be exactly where I put it when I get home. I like stretching out on the bed and not run into some hot hairy body, (but then I have a little bed). Yeah, yeah, the "physical" part of not having another person sucks, but I guess if I had time I could ratchet up my online search and find someone to scratch that itch....but that is NOT what I want...I'd just rather be alone.....and remain hopeful

It is the LONELY I can do without.

My friends tell me I am smart, kind, nice, fun to be with, generous, understanding, funny, my features are put together in a not completely unappealing way. What I think is more important is that I have many layers and levels, making me not only complex, like any other many-celled organism, but INTERESTING as well (dontcha think?)

I think one of my flaws, or is it a fear, is that I won't commit - I have never owned a house for the single reason that I don't want to have to worry about the plumbing problems! I tell ya, this noncommittal thing is cuz of the life I lead. I abhor the idea of putting down my life savings for a house I won't get to really LIVE in....i won't let myself get a dog, cuz I know I would have to find daycare for him when i go gallivanting! This time of year, being alone almost doesn't bother me cuz I know I am getting into the annual HELL time with work, and then I will be leaving for weeks on end and do I really want to have a guy around then?? I am quite sure I managed to detach from Steve, when some subconscious vermin felt him getting too close! I tell myself this: "when I meet the "right" person, I won't travel so much and I will be less selfish about my life style and I will openly share my life with someone."

I SAY that, although more and more, I am beginning to realize it may be a load of crap. I didn't dream about being an shriveled up raisin, an abstinent spinster aunt when I was a little girl, so I have to stay hopeful that He Who Has No Name (yet), will show up someday and I will WANT to tell my boss I simply can't travel as much, and I won't smoke crack for him anymore, working all night, and I will eat three squares and go to bed at a reasonable hour (and then pigs will fly outta my butt, and they all lived happily ever after)

Here's my list: does the other person make you feel good about yourself and your life's purpose, does the other person support you in your choices and help with the challenges? does the other person bring joy to your life? Izzat so much to ask for?

Life is short...spend it feeling good with people that make you laugh and feel good...not people who make you aggravated and sad...I must let go of K, is what this all boils down to...Although as Keats points out....I won't know delight, if i don't pass through some melancholy...and as the Office Depot commercial says, "I'm There."