Bi Polarity

I am moody and irascible. That is a given. Love me, love my moods. Partially attributable to my up and down blood sugar, but also because I am a Moon Child:

Crabs live in the inter-tidal zone of the oceans, where tides rise and fall twice every day. This is the most dynamic and changeful place on earth, but also the most nutrient rich. Because of the constant change, Cancer have developed a hard outer shell for protection. Cancer can use the hard outer shell of your home as your protection. But it's more than just that. Typically, your sensitive Cancer can hold your feelings quietly behind your own walls.

That is just WHO we are, so don't go giving it some fancy clinical "diagnosis." If you don't keep up, my emotions will run all over you. On top of that, I am schhhmart....I was in the advanced reading group in 1st grade, and those smarts sometimes cause conflict with my feelings.

However, I am NOT clinically depressed or bi-polar or schizo or anything like that. While anti-depressants have crept into my diet from time to time, it was exclusively while I lived in NYC and never saw the sun for days on end....I think I had Seasonal Affective Disorder or whatever - lets just say, since I left NYC and get LOTS of sun, I don't think I am SAD anymore (though I do still get sad). Prozac made me uncreative, as if my mind and senses and feelings were numbed to the sharp edges of inspiration....so I (and everyone else) suffer through my blue moods unmedicated . I DO think I might be well served with an occasional Valium, but that is a different story.

So, I met this guy on line - let's call him Mark. We spent a couple of weeks chatting back and forth, and we really seemed to click and have a lot in common. I finally gave him my number, and we spent another week or so talking - and it was good talking, not mindless drivel or phone sex (which I really really don't get). We talked about music and religion and politics and travel and all kinds of stuff. One morning he called as I was heading out to the gym and we decided to meet for breakfast after. Even though I was a bit of a sweaty mess, it was apparent we were both kinda smitten! His smile and eyes lit up the room and he seemed genuine and really was the guy I had been talking to!! I sent him an email when I got home, and asked him to go hear a friend's band play that night. He met me there, and we watched the band, and ate some Mexican food and just had a fun night - no hanky panky, but he did lean in close to my ear to talk when the band was playing, and I liked THAT!

I got home and felt so positive and happy about the day - thinking I didn't want to go to sleep cuz I was worried that if I did, I'd wake up to find actually meeting a really nice guy had all just been a dream. I madly thought "if I DON'T sleep, then the day wouldn't really be over, but if I DID sleep then maybe tomorrow or the next day would be equally good, but if I didn't sleep, I wouldn't have to wash my face and I could still feel where his cheek had touched mine while he was talking to me." What a dilemma...and I passed out debating on the merits of sleep with myself.

The next day, he emailed and said he wanted to see me again and I wrote him back and asked him, kinda joking (but perceptive in retrospect) "please tell me now how screwed up and unavailable and baggage-loaded you are NOW." He wrote back and said "To be honest, I don't have any dark secrets, I am totally available, and I have very little baggage."

I shoulda known better

A couple of days later we go to a friend's open house, and we have a great time. Over the next few days, he tells me he really likes me and he doesn't want to see anyone else. He takes his profile off the online site where we met - he puts my picture up on his computer at work, he invites me to his work christmas party

SSP: I hope you don't get OVER me as quickly as you seem to have taken to me

MARK: I have NEVER felt so positive and so smitten about someone. There is no one else on this planet besides you as far as I'm concerned, I really want one person that I can invest a future with. I promise I won't break your heart.

I shoulda known better

We go out a few more times and I come to find out he has TONS of baggage - the heavy kind they make you pay extra for when you fly! I knew he had a 13 year old daughter from his profile, but I didn't know he had full custody of her, AND he has responsibility for a 22 year old daughter who is disabled and confined to a wheelchair. He also told me he was bi-polar, and that he took medication for it and according to him, he had it all under control - hey this is all fine - we all have our crosses to bear, mine being the diabetes and my insane irrational fear of commitment, but I try not to let my crosses get in the way so why should I assume others can't do the same.

I shoulda known better

Anyway, we go out a few more times - then I went on a short trip out of town. He had promised to pick me up when I got in, but he wasn't there. I called him, and although he sounded stoned, he said he was on his way. The passenger window in his car was busted out for some reason. He brought me home, and we fell asleep on the couch watching TV. That was Sunday. I didn't hear from him for a couple days, but that was ok, cuz work had piled up while I was gone. On Thursday, I called to say hi and see if he wanted to go do something. He says he has been "sick as a dog," but that he was supposed to go to a party with some work people on Saturday, and if he felt good enough to go, he would call...I didn't hear from him...

Sunday, I went to pilates. There is a hang up on my answering machine when I get home, so I star 69ed it, and it was Mark. I called him all bright and cheery and he tells me he, bluntly, straight out, that he met someone else! Wha da Ef??? He says, I sent you an email, you should read it. Ok...whatever, and I hang up The email said:

"I called to talk to you about something, but I didn't want to leave a message. I need to tell you as soon as possible, so I'm going to send this - I guess this way I can express myself. Basically I met someone else. I didn't expect it to happen we just met at the party last night and went home and just talked and cried and laughed together. There is no easy way to tell you that I would like to move on, and be with her. You did absolutely nothing wrong, you were always delightful, and you are beautiful and sexy. This person had much of the same mental insanity that I have and I am so drawn to her. I thought about waiting till after Christmas to save you any grief. I'm sorry I wish there was a way not to hurt you. You're probably better off without my instability around, God help this new girl huh?"

no kidding...... Lessons learned? too many to list, and most reallyn really obvious, but mainly, ALWAYS trust your instincts....Online dating is not for the weak willed or the easily manipulated...